Things we never admit to doing but everyone knows we do it anyways.

Yesterday I had a very pleasant surprise when someone on FB told me that she "genuinely" enjoys reading my ramblings. This is amazing for a variety of reasons, mainly that:

1. Someone understands what I'm rambling about.
2. Someone actually reads my blog - probably because of boredom - and hence, brings my total collective audience to 2 people (including myself, yes I often read my blog and laugh again at everything I've typed. Oh I'm so clever).

On the downside: she's probably going insane - if she isn't already just from exposure to this blog. Yay for insanity!

Today's topic will basically be exactly what the title of this blog states. I'm quite aware a handful (a very small handful - like a toddler's hand) of people do read my blog but I know that most of them would never admit to such blatant blasphemy! :o

Anyways, here's a bunch of things we all do but will never admit to doing (the majority of us):

1. Pooping.

I was in class a few weeks back and we were talking about pooping/excretion of waste/stool/etc. You know society is pretty much lost when the teacher was basically giggling at the very word "poop". Everyone in the class - not including me, I was too busy observing more human specimens - avoided eye-contact and shifted nervously in their seats while we listened to the teacher lecture on about a highly-exaggerated account of the effects of severe constipation.

This is of course, completely normal!

However, I do nursing. I am a part of the next generation of nurses and most of them can't bring themselves to say poop, the remainder can't say it without laughing hysterically.

Doctor: "Excuse me Mr. Springer, I'm afraid you're going to have to go into surgery soon."
Patient: "Oh God! What is it? What's the cause of the abdominal pain?"
Doctor: "You suffer from bowel obstruction caused by severely-delayed excretion and resulting constipation. It is actually a very serious but manageable illness. With the proper treatment, we can avoid further complications and undo all the damage."
Patient: *in shock* "All because I didn't poop?"
Nurses: *giggling* "Poop... He said POOP!" xD

Fail.

Believe it or not, everyone poops. Megan Gale? Yeah she poops. Miranda Kerr? Oh yeah. Taylor Swift? Yeap, even she must get diarrhoea sometimes.

Justin Bieber? -Oh God please don't say it- Yes! Even he poops. :)

GAHHH! The images! What has been imagined, can not be unimagined! D:



2. Taking free samples with no intention of buying the product.

We've all encountered the free-food sample lady/man in our supermarkets. When I was younger I would walk past them SUPER SLOW and pretty much made it so obvious that I wanted a sample that she/he just gave some to me for the sake of getting rid of me/ or because of pity.

I am shameless.

Well I was. Nowadays I avoid the free sample person like the plague. I feel guilty if they give me a free sample and I DON'T buy it, especially when I can. This poor person has been standing and preparing little pieces (very little - if they could make samples microscopic and still have the taste, it would be) all day and how often does someone actually buy the product? ... More often than you think, but still not that often.

You know that awkward moment when you're eating the sample and they stare at you? This is what I've always imagined they were thinking:

"I'm trusting her with this sample, will she buy it? My heart has been broken soo many times today with non-sample-buyers, will she do the same? My heart is so cold, my spirit is so broken, oh please, I NEED this sale to feed my family. Please take pity on me!"

So that's the point where I often cave in and buy the product - even if I will NEVER eat it!

"My heart is shattered into - oh wow, are you actually going to buy this product? I can't believe that worked! SUCKER!"

Which will lead to this typical Asian event (which may or may not have already occurred)- Imagine this with an Asian accent:

*Leanne comes home with a bunch of pizza bases*
Family: "You do realise it's cheaper to just order pizza than to buy all the ingredients and spend the time making it right?"
Me: "But THIS would be healthier! At least according to the sample lady..."
Family: "Yes, but Pizza Hut would be CHEAPER!"

Oh by the way, the pizza base tasted terrible. Which may be because we didn't end up putting any toppings on it -other than textured tomato paste- due to the fact that we didn't want to spend the time or money on the toppings... O_o

You're probably wondering why I don't just take the sample, say I'll buy it and then walk away - or maybe you're not wondering that at all but for the sake of this blog I'm going to assume you are! I simply can't! They usually have the stall RIGHT NEXT TO the sample stand. They watch you like hawks -more like vultures- and they have already mastered the unique skill of guilt-tripping someone.

To my readers who are managers/deputy managers at supermarkets: Shame on you for subjecting the public -or just me- to such HORROR! D:

It's odd how if they're giving it away for free, we're more likely to eat it (I'm referring to the food samples and not the samples of detergent or something. Unless you were really hungry) than if we had the choice to actually buy it. For example, OMG FREE TOMATO PASTE? Oh yes, I can really taste the textures more with this paste. How often do you go to the fridge craving textured tomato paste?! Seriously? Unless you're like me, in which case - pretty much all the time...

Let me tell you the circumstances in which free samples are given:

1. To promote a new product - may or may not be bad.

2. To get rid of products to bring in new ones/new stock: This is the one they don't want you to know about. It's a CONSPIRACY - well not really but I need to make at least one claim today or I'll explode! Seriously, to be safe check the expiry date before you buy a sample product.

3. To make socially awkward people like Leanne feel socially awkward. Congratulations, you've succeeded in highlighting my strangeness in a supermarket.


3. Watch porn/masturbate.

Don't lie. '_'

You're on a Government database. They regulate the porn industry you know, yeah, true story.

Unless you're like me. I don't have any genitalia. It's just a black hole so I can't masturbate and I see no point in watching porn. The fact that I have a black hole instead of a sexual organ is also the reason I often do not wear pants at home.

In fact, I never wear pants. If you think I am wearing pants it's probably because you've been sucked into the black hole and in an alternate universe of Leanne-wearing-pants world. Which is exactly like this world, but I'm wearing pants. I'm not sure if the alternate me has genitals or if she's as cool as this version of me, so you'll have to ask her when you see her.



You know I've been spelling masturbate as 'masterbate' or 'mastabate' for ages until one of my friends corrected me? Well I apologise for that but I don't really find the need to spell it that often.