Now before you go off and phone a mental institution to turn me in for psychological instability, allow me to clarify first. You remember all those times when you were (or still are) a kid and you’d keep a helium filled balloon in your room/house for days after you received it? And when it deflates a little, you can treat it like a pet and use the ribbon string thing as a leash to walk it? Have you ever tried to teach it to do tricks and watch it wander around the place, exploring?
No?
Okay, just me then. '_'
If you haven’t done it, then you haven’t lived! I suggest that you get a partially-deflated-balloon pet (or maybe you have a life, in which case I completely understand you're inability to fit in balloon pets)! It kept me entertained for hours but then again I’m a err... I’m strange okay?
Anyways, how do balloons keep me from having sex?
Okay picture this: I’m trying to be flirtatious/seductive (stop laughing this isn't the funny part!) and let’s just say for the sake of argument, it somehow – magically – manages to work on this amazing geeky guy! Now imagine we’re going to kiss each other and then BAM! Balloon pet floats down on top of our heads and sticks to our hair due to static.
It’s like your pet dog jumping on you when your naked – which is a total cock-block.
Except in the case of a balloon pet, it’s funny.
So obviously, due to my nervousness, disbelief and the randomness of the situation, I do the worst thing a seductress could do while – you know – seducing her man. I laugh.
Imagine pulling down your pants only to see the girl or guy you’re with laugh, quite loudly.
This was pretty much his facial expression after hearing me laugh and possibly due to finding out about my balloon pets:
This is all figurative, I swear! Oh wait... YES! I totally get geeky guys throwing themselves at me ;D I'm just THAT irresistible.
Seriously though, I've had this blog for a few days, someone ask me out already! D: Even though I can't have sex... Why can't I have sex? See below:
a) I find balloon pets cute and funny.
b) Sex isn’t cute and funny.
c) I’ll only want to have sex with a guy who has balloon pets.
d) Therefore, I will never have sex.
Are you following? O_o
It'll make more sense if you read this blog hanging upside down in a cave with a pink cat playing a ukulele. I swear, do it.
ANYWAYS! Moving on to a less/more awkward topic: Swearing.
I know people who can swear and get away with it. I even know people who can swear and make it sound like poetry, the most elegant and sweetest lullaby ever known to man-kind! For these people, no matter the situation, place or time it sounds COMPLETELY natural. Like my little sister, for example, who has the unique ability to sugar-coat swear words and insults so that people think they’re hilarious and cute. I remember one time, I had one of my guy friends over and she picked up a mat that my furry dog , Lucy (now passed, God I miss her), slept on. She dusted the mat OVER him! And then what did he do? He dusted the fur off and laughed! If I did that, he would’ve ripped off my balls - after giving me a lecture and making me feel guilty! D: Do you feel the INJUSTICE?!
Clearly, I’m not one of these magic-getting-away-with-swearing people.
When I swear it is almost equivalent in weirdness as when parents use those ‘bad words’. I’m sure this doesn’t just happen to me but when my parents swear, I forget EVERYTHING that they were just talking about and go into freak out mode. My facial expression freezes and my mind races and repeats the word they just used over and over again. I’m in complete disbelief with my “poker face” on. So it turns out, that even at 18 years of age, I’m still as influential and susceptible to swearing/cussing as a 3 year old. FML.
The only sign people can read to see if I’m freaking out is that apparently, I look constipated when I do.
Yeah, my poker face is my constipated face, you've got a problem with that?
And my sex face is my freak out face.
In conclusion: When I’m constipated I either have a poker face or look incredibly sexy.
So I just did what I usually do when I discover something amusing/different/weird/etc. in this world. I over-analysed it (I am female after all). How come some people can't get away with swearing, whilst others can use it in a church hymn and still get off Scott-free (what is up with “Scott-free” anyways? Who is Scott and why is he free? Or more importantly, why hasn't he asked me out?)? If I spelt that wrong, I apologise but refuse to correct for the overall comical effect of this blog.
Then it occurred to me: whenever I swear, I PAUSE beforehand! That slight hesitation makes people pay attention and hence, freak out more about the swearing. I have yet to test out this theory – ...
Okay my sister just walked into my room and I said “Hey Donna, sh*&, pu@#$, fu#$, di*&”. She was normal in approaching me for the first three words but I hesitated before the fourth and THAT was when she had the “oh my god, she’s gone mad” expression. Hence, I’ve proven my theory. YAY!
NOTE: Swearing/cursing/cussing is not good for your health (especially if you have Asian parents)! If you’re under 18 years of age, I highly suggest not doing it. Not because there’s an age limit on it or anything, but because you scare me when you do. Unless you're one of those poetry-swearing artists, if so, I'm a big fan of your work.
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