Leanne's Rules of Dating - yes I can give advice despite being single for a good few decades

Welcome to the wonderful world of dating, full of tears, sadness, momentary courage, distraught, a dash of success, mainly stress, lack of sleep and borderline insanity. Are you feeling as enthusiastic as I am? Then continue reading! However, if you’re reading this blog than its already evident you need help. This includes all the areas of your life, not just the relationship/social side and unfortunately, I cannot take any responsibility for that.

There a series of simple rules which I follow when it comes to the issue of romance. Kind of like that geeky guy in zombieland. However, it’s probably best that you don’t follow my rules, considering my ability to repel men (it’s my super power okay?).


Rule Number One: Speak Klingon and don’t settle for second best.

There’s a reason why I always insist on speaking Klingon or unleashing the true extent of my geekiness on people when I first meet them (if applicable to the situation of course). It’s to prevent an abusive relationship from occurring. By coming off as headstrong on the first meeting, it’s clear that you’re happy with yourself and if they can’t accept you at your face value, what’s the point? In other words, if they can’t deal with me being like I am, they have a chance to run away now.

If you don’t know how to speak Klingon, that’s okay, I still love you (you feel that emotion right there? It’s called relief, courtesy of me).

So how does this relate to an abusive relationship? Have you ever heard of an abusive relationship and thought to yourself, “Why would you stay with him/her if they treat you like that?” The reason they got into that kind of relationship in the first place wasn’t because they meet some jerk who treated them like crap and thought “This is the one”. The abusive relationship is usually gradual, it starts off with little things like “I don’t want you to go out tonight, can you stay and keep me company?” and eventually progresses to “You’re not allowed to leave this house or go anywhere without my permission”.

The solution is simple, don’t settle for second best. If a guy says “you should cut your hair shorter”, don’t think that you should just to keep him happy and that it’s only a little thing to do, despite the fact that you like your hair the way it is. Think (or snap back at him) instead, “Well I wish your dick was bigger, I don’t see you growing that!”





Rule Number Two: Know your limitations.

It’s important that you don’t settle for second best but that still doesn’t mean that you should go around groping posters of Justin Bieber/ Robert Pattinson/ any other male celebrity that’s vogue at the time. It sounds cruel but it’s time for most of you to face the truth: the perfect, rich, famous, considerably older actor/singer is out of your league. And the fact that you’re wearing his merchandise and having a panic attack every time you hear his name makes you look pathetic.



Rule Number Three: Don’t hate the player, hate the ga- no wait, and why not hate the player for playing the game?

If a guy has a reputation of being a cheat/liar, don’t trust him. No matter what he or anybody else says. After all, it’s not their heart that’s on the line and it’s not their feelings which will end up being wounded if they’re wrong.

I’ve spent my entire life so far observing people, I’ve seen them change and move forward. I’ve seen desperate people scrape themselves from rock bottom and struggle for a better life. But I’ve never seen a player change. However, since I am only a teenager, there’s still plenty of time for me to observe one (nearing extinction as these events may be).

Also it doesn’t matter if they’re a male or a female. If a girl were to play the field, she’s very often degraded in the eyes of society. On the other hand, if a male plays around, he’s hero-worshipped. I’m not saying that women should be hero-worshipped or men should keep it in their pants (pfft, yeah sure), I just enjoy pointing out ironic observations of society in my blog.



Rule Number Four: Working-class man.

So let’s say you’ve found a nice guy/girl who you really get along with. I’m going to risk sounding like a gold-digger in this area but there’s no point dating a guy in the LONG-TERM who has an ‘insufficient’ job. Think about all the fancy restaurants, all the pretty jewellery, all the delicious foods, all the surprise flowers, etc.

You will never get that with the grown-up unhygienic slob (can you tell I’m a germophobe?), who relies on casual work, never dresses up (even if you go out to a nice place), drives a crap car (if he has one), and speaks like an uneducated sexist jerk (aka. “Sup bro, Oh my Gawwd Braa, Come at me Bro, etc.”).



Teenagers and university students are exempted from these categories since they’re currently studying or too young to end up like this... yet.


Rule Number Five: Get a gentleman.

They’re on sale at K-Mart this weekend. :)

You don’t have to spend hundreds of dollars on a fancy bouquet of delivered rare flowers to be a gentleman. Try holding open a door (yes that includes car doors), giving her your jacket, sharing the goddamn umbrella, turning on the heater on a cold night even though it eats up your petrol, writing a spontaneous poem, compose a song, offer to take her stargazing, invite her to a Harry Potter Marathon, take her to the state library, etc.

And for all the male readers, find a girl who will kiss you in the rain and not worry about her make-up running.

You will know that she’s for real after that.

So these are some of my countless, anal rules about dating.

As you can tell, I’m still single.

Well hello Mr. Police Officer :) Nothing suspicious is happening in my mind.

So I haven't blogged for a while and this time it wasn't my fault. Being the commitment-phobe that I am, whenever someone would ask me to update my blog, I'd be less motivated and less inclined to do so. So blame them for reading my blog and actually wanting to read more - because they're crazy.

Hey wait, that means you're crazy.

Yes, it's entirely your fault. :) Now I feel much better about myself.

Of course if you're looking for someone specific to blame, putting a face and a name to the person in other words (I'm completely aware that most people won't understand that - it made sense in my head and that's all that matters), blame this guy:




On another related note, I believe I'm currently socially-hibernating. A psychologist friend of mine (no he's NOT a part of my professional help team.... yet), pointed out to me that I go through cycles of social hibernation and explosions. Although not in those words... and probably with a different meaning to what I interpreted it as.

I wasn't really that surprised though because when I'm not around any specimens (which is very often judging by my social life), I observe myself. This keeps me occupied for hours because let's face it, not even I understand what's going on in my mind sometimes.

Many weeks ago I met a police officer who's doing my course at uni (why would you change your weapon of choice from a gun/taser/light saber (for the futuristic nerds in all of us) for a syringe is beyond my comprehension). Needless to say, I pretty much jumped on him and demanded him to introduce me to men in uniforms.

I then proceeded to engage in a lot of conversations which may potentially label me as clinically insane with him. Oddly enough, I have yet to be arrested (probably because he suspects that I'll like it or something... which I would).

Not a lot of people are aware of this but I used to want to become a cop. The only problem is I'm possibly the most unfit person on the face of the universe. I eat food and things that aren't really "food" but still quite edible (don't take this out of context - I'm not being perverted! DIRTY SPECIMEN!), and I hardly exercise. At all. Which will make me the most hypocritical nurse on the planet - when I become a nurse.

What would a police officer wear to a job interview anyways? I mean, arriving in a business suit is pretty conventional but not really practical considering the fact that they have uniforms and all. It's weird how often suits are used for jobs that don't actually require suits. Think about it, chefs don't wear suits to work, fire fighters have their own uniform, nurses have their own uniform, bus drivers have their own uniforms, tradies have their own uniforms, etc. But what do all of these people conventionally wear to job interviews? Suits.

I bet you that it's a conspiracy. Only kidding, I don't take gambles, I'm always right. Still, there's probably one guy (the inventor of suits) who conventionalises these things so that they still sell. Because let's face it, they. are. useless. They're stiff and impractical and no, you do not look sexy in them (even if you spent $400000 on it).



Admit it. You want that uniform don't you?

:)

For some odd reason, a lot of people sometimes ask me for relationship advice. So I've decided to blog about some dating/courting stuff (look out for my future blog "Leanne's Rules of Dating - yes I can give advice despite being single for a good few decades"). When asking a person out, there's only one word I can say.

Fish.

You read it right, fish - as in the aquatic marine creature thingy. If you want a girl/guy to REALLY remember you, give them a fish in a little bag. It's cute, it's quirky and even if they reject you, at least you got to see the look of pure, honest confusion on their faces beforehand.

Also it makes for some awesome (cliche's) vagina jokes:


How inappropriate of me. :o

For any of you that weren't aware, I had clinical for two weeks. Clinicals is basically when student nurses all swarm towards hospitals and health centers for a few weeks at a time to "practice" their "skills" on unsuspecting patients. I got really good marks at the end of it for two reasons:

1. I drove all the nurses in the team and all the health professionals in the building insane. At the beginning, for example, the nurse I was with encouraged me to ask her lots of questions because she "loved answering student questions". Several missed turns and U-turns later (community nurses drive around), she pulled over, shook her head in disbelief and basically said, "Leanne, SHUUUUUT UUUP!". To which I couldn't resist but laugh. She was easily one of my favourite nurses. :)

2. I made all the patients laugh. By threatening them. With injections. And hence, coercing them into compliance. :)

I'm going to be a great nurse one day....

Michael Buble and my countless other weaknesses

1. Yes you read the title right.

Although my taste in music is diverse and oddly specific at the same time, Michael Buble is always the fastest way to any girls heart. If you've never heard him singing before - it's what I would imagine the voice of a sex god to sound like. The only reason he hasn't been a voice-over for any animation movies is because his voice alone can impregnate people.

Oh that reminds me, I finally figured out what super power I'd like. I'd like the ability to impregnate anyone by just concentrating on them. It doesn't matter if they're male or infertile - I'll make them pregnant. Now before you laugh (if you're not already), I'd like for you to imagine what this power means. It's an ability as old as time, and as powerful as it too. I could be the ultimate super hero or super villain - depending on my mood and time of month. :)




2. Princess Beatrice Royal Wedding Vagina-coloured Hat & Desserts

In case you didn't know or were living under a rock for the past year, Kate and William got married recently and this hat made headlines:



The real irony is that everyone said they would NEVER wear such a hat and she was insulted for wearing it... and it's currently on eBay for GBP 11,600.00 (Approximately US $18,801.28). I kid you not, here's the link (in case some of my specimens have about 19K to burn): Click here! Not a virus I swear! Oh what's that? You didn't even consider me sending a virus online? And now that I've said that, you're paranoid? Oh wells, welcome to the glamorous life of a paranoid creep! After a few hours you'll be exactly like me - and no, quickly closing the window and burning your computer won't change that - yay! :)

Onto dessert items (which are only included in this section because I can't say enough about it for it to be in it's own category), I eat them. You eat them. We have something in common - let me have your babies. :D

Seriously, the starter and main courses only exist to increase the anticipation for dessert!

On another note: as if you didn't think "vagina-coloured" when you first saw that... or is it just me again? '_'

On yet ANOTHER note: why is the expression: "living under a rock" meant to be a reprimand? Living underground would be awesome (if the air circulation was good). I'd love to live in an underground cave which I'd turn into a laboratory like Batman (the comic book versions, not the modern movie adaptations). Yes, I still read comics.




3. Broad shoulders
On absolutely anything. Men, women, animals, couches, beds, specimens, nipples, sticky tape - seriously it's impossible to over-do it!

4. Geeks
See my previous blog for more on this, but basically my dream guy would do the following considerably 'geeky' things:
- Shop at ThinkGeek
- Game - and is actually good at it!
- When they play games, they HAVE to absolutely do everything and make sure they didn't miss any hidden features until they finish it! Because playing them any other way is just decreasing from the experience.
- Manage their time (aka. remember to take showers).
- Know programming code :3
- Speak Klingon
- Use Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock to solve problems.
- Refers to me by either by full name (if they can pronounce it) or alternatively, my elvish name. Yes, even in bed. :)

At the end of the day, I'm fairly confident that's what all women want in their men. Trust me, I'm an expert in getting women's numbers. :)

Which brings me onto another topic: many specimens aren't able to determine my sexuality. There are many guesses, including:
- I'm straight but sometimes act - rather convincingly - homosexual.
- I'm bi-sexual.
- I'm completely lesbian.

I thought that on this EXCLUSIVE BLOG INTERVIEW WITH MYSELF, that I'd clear this once and for all!!
.
.
.
*oh how exciting*

I'm Leanne. :)

5. Geeks with broad shoulders



Okay, if you're not automatically hot and bothered from reading that, you're weirder than me. :)

Anyways, it's way past my bedtime (still pretty early at 9.30pm but YOU don't have to wake up at 6am tomorrow in the freaking ice cold morning!).

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THAT GUY HAS A PENIS! D:

We have all watched horror films at some point of our lives (hopefully not the end point because that would be highly ironic) – and if you happen to be living in a deep void of space with only access to my blog for ‘entertainment’, not to worry because you’ll probably still be able to understand what I’m going on about in this entry (oh and I’m jealous of your care-free isolation). Anyways, when I watch these horror films, I often try to figure out how long I’ll be able to survive in this alternate world on screen.

The answer is: not very long.

There are countless reasons why I would quickly be eliminated from the group in a horror film universe:

1) I’m too observant

You know that scene in Saw where the guy is pretending to be dead or something? I still haven’t watched Saw so I can’t say for sure. Well, wouldn’t someone have noticed that he was still -you know- breathing?

Or in Nightmare on Elm Street: absolutely no-one found it strange that EVERYONE in the same class basically didn’t remember their entire childhood at all? I mean, after a traumatic event, some people may lose their memories and such – but not every single kid. You would think someone would stand up and be like: “Okay, why the hell is it that every kid around my age in this neighbourhood doesn’t have a clue about our past together? I mean, why aren’t the parents getting together for house parties and mentioning that we went to the same primary school or something normal and basic like that?”

And I hate to say this (seriously, it almost kills me) but there are also several inaccuracies in the ideal of a zombie apocalypse:

- They’re dead. Obviously. Dead things rot and without all those biological mechanisms allowing them to regenerate from their injuries or feel pain – they’re double dead (no pun intended). Think of it this way: every time you get a paper cut, you can’t heal. How many paper cuts have you gotten in your entire life (be honest you have no idea do you? I've had 27 - oddly enough, it's my favourite number. And yes, I do count)? How many times have you stubbed your toe on something (5 that I can remember)? Or scrapped your knee (lost count - too much pain)? Now imagine that you NEVER healed from it.

- Brains aren’t a source of renewable energy: The zombies’ source of food is themselves. Does anyone else see the flaw in this? I mean, once the human race has been turned into a bunch of brain-dead zombies. What then? Seriously, I can almost imagine the zombie’s killing and turning the last human and then they all stand around and stare at each other blankly. “Jesus John, why the hell did you kill the last one huh? What are we meant to do now?”

Now I can only assume that at this point the zombies go through an existential crises and start forming religions and seeking a greater being to guide them. In which case they begin to form roles in society and develop traditions. Basically, the world will start over again and then rot as the zombies will inevitably die from lack of food.

Movie directors and writers aren’t scientists and often don’t think these things through – or if they do, they decide to ignore it anyways because what kind of normal person gets caught up in some geeky world of logic when it comes to a zombie apocalypse? *cue audience staring accusingly at Leanne*

- But let’s say that it's a different type of zombie which couldn’t rot and had all its biological processes and didn’t need to eat humans to survive? Hmm, NO! How could you even think such blasphemy? D:

"But Leanne, this is one of the voices in your head - and I'm you. So you just thought of that."

"Shut up." *glare*

"...Okay, how the hell are you going to glare at yourself?"


.
.
.

ANYWAYS:

That’s invalid because there is only one type of zombies – shut up fellow geeks and zombie enthusiasts, I know what you’re thinking! But this entry will not be able to end otherwise.

Oh and another thing: there are way too many people looking forward to the zombie apocalypse. I mean seriously, it’s no longer an apocalypse if you look forward to it. Great, now I’m going to have to invent another conspiracy.



Or maybe this is another “Just me” thing...


2) I don’t have access to a cleverly-disguised super computer

* Are you currently being haunted by a supernatural spirit or creature?
* Are all your friends dying one by one?
* Are you one of the main characters of the movie?

If you answered yes to any or all of the above: Great news! You can find out everything you need to know about the mysterious, super-thing about to kill you by typing their name into Google(when they died, how they died, were they a suspect of some unsolved crime before disappearing, did they know you or your family, which house they used to live in, if their body/ bodies of their victims were ever found, etc.)!

What. The. Hell? O_o <= See that? I'm shocked. Do you know how hard it is to shock me? You either have to run over a pigeon in front of me or something like this needs to happen. Except if this happened in real life, it'd actually be pretty cool.

Okay, now unless you’re authorised to look up such documents or have a super computer which specialises in investigating scary, spirit things, it is highly unlikely you’ll be able to search up a random name and find the solution of your phenomenon on Google. I have actually searched up the actual names of real-life serial killers (I have innate-uncontrollable-curiosity remember?) and not only do I have to shift through countless pages to find one worth reading (unlike the movies where it’s usually within the first 1-3 search result links) but it’s also pretty damn boring. ;_; I've been let down.


3) I have over-protective (and Asian) parents

If there’s some psychopath wandering around my area and murdering people, I can pretty much guarantee that my parents won’t let me leave the house - ever. I mean, even now – in a normal neighbourhood with no murders happening (or having happened in ages) – my parents are constantly finding reasons to keep me indoors (like I need a reason). Somehow a murder on the other side of the world, happening to a girl my age is tragic but unrelated to what's happening to me now. I doubt that the guy, after murdering the girl, decided to jump on the first plane to Australia and hunt me down next. Then again, I'd be interested to see if they could prove me wrong, me being a zombie slayer and all.

I'm only kidding by the way. Don't that that challenge out of context, if you're a murderer, please keep away from me, my family and my human observation specimens (aka. Friends).

Anyways, my parents have nothing to worry about because I’m socially awkward and anti-social in nature, I don’t have friends (who I don’t know where they live), and I'm scared of the world (like my parents, but probably for different reasons).

I’d imagine that every parent in the world believes that every serial killer, stalker, rapist and murderer within the perimeter of the entire continent is after their kid. Or is it only mine?





4) I’m too socially awkward

Have you ever watched a movie where everyone has to figure out which one is the killer before they all die? This is usually eventuated by the audience and the main characters thinking it’s this one social outcast who's killing everyone until their prime suspect dies (does this plot even hold any level of shock value anymore?) and they’re left shitting bricks and confused. Oh and it’s usually the one they “least expect” – these twist endings are always predictable.

Well if I were ever in a horror film, I could easily imagine which character I’d play in this plot. Take a lucky guess.

Also, I'm a nurse, so you can imagine how awesome I would be as a killer.





5) I’m highly logical when scared shitless

When there’s a killer strolling around and picking off people you know one-by-one, do not - under any circumstance - wander off by yourself. It’s pretty common sense but there seems to be an abnormal lack of that in most modern-day horror films. I’m not full of common sense all the time and I have pretty damn irrational urges on a daily basis (I want to grow feather roots. Not actual feathers, just the base of it but more on that another day), but this is pretty common-sense – even to me.



So in conclusion, even in the highly-unbelievable world on-screen, I still would not fit in and will most probably die. Quickly. And awkwardly. Like being killed on a toilet '_'


On another note, I’ve been getting a lot of people assuming that on my blog, I’m trying (so very hard) to be funny. I’m not. I acknowledge that the way I see and think about things is a bit strange and slightly humorous from different points of view (perhaps the understatement of the year?) but at no point in my blog do I ever attempt to be funny.

Although it’s very sweet of these specimens to assume that I have a sense of humour, I am really just this strange. :)

Return of the Blogger! The Triology is complete, your soul is mine! [Part3 of 3]

... Seriously? You’re STILL reading this? Even with that title? You're crazy. '_'

1) Perception

I was told a few days ago that the only way people could possibly find my blog funny – or read it in the first place without going insane – is if they are able to see the world through my eyes. It’s all in their perception vs. mine.

Take this guy for example:



Normal people will probably think:

- Is he too big for the furniture? (aka. Did he grow twice his size?)
- Is the furniture too small for him? (aka. Is he sitting on a kid-sized chair?)

I’m thinking along the lines of:

- Getting small furniture won’t make your penis look bigger
- Is my depth perception off? Is he’s squatting and the chair just happens to be in the right place in the background
- I probably shouldn’t take pictures of my friends and criticise them
- But I still do it anyways :)
- Is he wearing beautiful robes that everyone can see but him, or is he naked?
- A squirrel will MAKE this picture, someone get me one, STAT! What? I don’t care if they’re not in Australia! ... Well I don’t know where you’d get one from, eBay it! Geez, so hard to get mental help nowadays! :)


2) False and Mentally Disturbing Advertisements (which actually work)

So just then a pop-up advertisement came up telling me to click to enlarge my penis size (don’t ask about what sites I visit), so I clicked it.

.
.
.
.


And nothing happened. D’:

They LIE! WHY would they lie? It’s because I’m Asian isn’t it?

Wouldn’t it be awesome if internet advertisements actually told the truth? The slogans would go a lot like this:

- Click on this link and download a virus now!
- Do you suffer from premature ejaculation? HAR HAR HAR LOL! Sucks to be you!
- Borrow $400 and pay back $50000000000!
- This computer animated girl wants to talk to you now (and will probably take all your money)!
- Your avatar in this online game will NEVER be as lame as you! <= The internet lives on to hurt us.
- If you don’t buy this product, you will NEVER be able to live an accomplished life! (Similar to free-sample people at supermarkets).
- Shoot three of the 5 ducks down to win! IF YOU EVEN THINK OF SHOOTING ONLY TWO (as if you've never done that) AND LEADING ME ON, I WILL ASSASSINATE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. :)

Companies know no bounds when it comes to advertising. It’s a pretty well known fact that sex sells. You go past a store that sells jeans and T-shirts, which are pretty average products, but put a huge picture of a naked girl and guy wearing nothing but jeans and running around happy and it sells.



Another annoying selling strategy is the guilt-tripping (seen clearly during Mothers’ Day). I woke up last week and got a letter in the mail, my sister brought it into my room and I opened it half-asleep and started to read it to wake my mind up before getting out of bed. It was from PETA, which basically meant that on that particular morning; I woke up to the very, vivid description of skinned, dying puppies. Oh... Lovely, thanks for that. Now I feel like a terrible human being for not being a vegetarian and donating – and I quote – “At least $20 for membership which will assist this cause like a good person”.

That’s right: to be a good person, I must send my credit card details in the mail so that they can send me more letters and magazines which will make me feel even guiltier from reading them and cause me to send even more money.

OMG it’s a continuous loop! D:

Let me just clarify that I’m completely against animal cruelty but I’m doing my part by not buying fur and not eating puppies. That should be enough for you people, now let me get back to sleep. =.=


3) I’m EXISTENT!

This is a pretty random topic – oh and yes, the previous blog topics were completely normal musings (admit it, you’ve thought those things too).

I remember in high school some of my friends and I created a random joke religion called “Existentialism” or something like that, and the followers were known as “existents” (Haha, get it? It’s a pun). The theory was based on the Matrix and that no-one exists in this world but if you happened to be on a boat and drink coconut juice, we’d come back into existence and all the mythical creatures (i.e. dragons (not mythical), zombies (not mythical), phoenix, unicorns, trolls, elves, etc. => none of which are mythical to me) are actually real (to you).

No I have never used any drugs – that was me completely sober then and right now.

Since I’ve been thinking about it recently, I realised that I’ve forgotten how it all worked (all the theories), anyone from my previous high school group care to refresh my memories? I’m not trying to start a cult or something gay/crazy like that.

I’m weird and - probably unhealthily - curious but not insane. :)

P.S. I will be using people who I hardly talk to for my blog. No one is safe from my wrath. Thank you :)

Return of the Blogger! Oh please accept this peace offering... [Part2 of 3]

Okay, time for Part 2, Part duo, Part II, etc. I can’t believe you’re still reading this but here are three more brain-damaging topics that I guarantee will make you less intelligent from simply being exposed to it! Surely you don’t need all of those IQ points, right? Yay!

1) First impressions count

Today I met a bunch of new people – I don’t remember any of their names but nonetheless I’ve met them. I have this issue with remembering names; mainly because I’m either disinterested with normal names or that I can’t remember how to pronounce the unique ones. Have you ever had an entire conversation with someone with a familiar face who remembers your name but no matter how hard you frantically dig into your mental processes, you can’t figure out who the hell they are?

Yeah, I got sick of frantically digging every single time I met someone new.

So now when I meet someone, I either do one of two things:

1. Call them by a name I think would suit them better than their actual name – ironically this strategy often helps me to remember their actual name a lot quicker. And if I don’t remember, it doesn’t really matter. So far there are only a handful of people I know who I call by names which I believe would rather suit them (and they find me weird so they’ve already accepted their fate from the moment they let me get away with it the first time).

2. Although there some people who don’t remind me of any names. For these people, I use the “first-impression remembering technique”. Basically, this entails is for me to do something – err, how would one describe it... – peculiar to help me to remember them. For example, there’s the guy-I-helped-to-zip-up-his-fly-when-we-first-met-and-he-crapped-himself guy or the two-girls-who-have-nice-smelling-hair-and-think-I-have-a-freaky-hair-fetish that I met today! See? It works, who can forget something so unusual and traumatic! But since it’s also fun, we can ignore the trauma of it :)


2) Friends make good demotivational posters – oh and they may or may not also want to kill me.

As you may or may not have noticed, I’m getting more creative with my blogging images. I’ve recently wondered, who is stranger: me or the people who enjoy my company. I’ve decided to point out the weirdness of not only the world and myself, but also all my friends/ acquaintances too – seeing as I observe (stalking is such a harsh word to use) them anyways – in my blog. Finally! I can prove I’m not the ONLY strange one! Also, this gives me leverage for if they ever decide to annoy me – which usually happens when they call the police or lock their bedroom windows at night. :) Sleep tight my blog readers!

So anyways, here are a bunch of proto-type images I’ve decided to start off with (if the reception is good – in my opinion, not theirs – I’ll keep adding these with actual related topics):












3) Online shopping is the addictive drug of the 21st Century

I’ve recently started to online shop – mainly at ThinkGeek (awesome but pricey online geek store) – and I’ve discovered one of the biggest scam of this year is on Facebook. You know all those Facebook stores which basically sell a bunch of stuff to people who can’t shop online and keep popping up everywhere? Yeah? Well they rip you off so badly! Like one of the eye-shadows palettes in this girls’ FB shop was priced at $42 and I’m buying the EXACT same one for less than $10 (including shipping). I feel pity for the people who are rushing to buy it because they have the cash but not the ability to shop online.

Since this revelation, I’ve been scouring the internet for more cheap things (I’m Asian, remember?). :)

And then it dawned on me: Online shopping is an addiction. And before you say “That’s ridiculous Leanne, online shopping isn’t an addiction! Suck my dick”, let me just remind you that nowadays there’s sex addiction, baby addiction, royal wedding/family addiction, gaming addictions – put it this way, if someone in the world likes something a bit too much, it’s classified as an addiction.

Luckily I don’t have a very addictive personality.

I’m serious, I can stop anytime, I swear! '_' *twitch twitch* 

Return of the Blogger! [Part1 of 3]

People who read this blog either find it intriguing and confusing, or they see past the weirdness and find humour in my observations of this world (as opposed to all the numerous other planets I’ve visited). In the past week which I haven’t been blogging, I’ve made countless observations. Hell, in the past hour, I’ve made countless observations. I always observe things and draw conclusions from what I see; I’ve probably observed you... I would say “in a freaky, stalker-ish way” but the term stalker is used too much nowadays, I’ve decided to go with “Observe”. This is the main reason I refuse to name people in my blog, so they don’t realise that I’m stalking... err, “Observing” them. :)



You’re perfectly safe of course! Oh by the way, nice curtains and your milk has expired. :D See how helpful “observers” can be?

Since I don’t have any sheep on hand at the moment, I’ve decided to post a 3-part blog entry as a peace offering for my absence. So without further delay, here are some “observations” to keep you people entertained – you poor, sick bastards. '_'

1) Short people get discriminated against.

Firstly, let me clarify by saying that I am not by ANY extent a shortie/migit/dwarf/etc., but a lot of my friends are (seriously, how do short people breed?! Is there a website I can watch this process on? Would I need a microscope?). And yes, I have given them crap about it (have you noticed?). They are all really short and I’m not worried about writing this up because I don’t think they can read such huge font. :P

Here’s a list of things I’ve noticed about short people from observing all my tiny friends scurrying about my feet:

- They don’t like being stepped on or trampled over (seriously, who would’ve guessed?)
- From above, they look like the mushroom things you squish on Super Mario – but you shouldn’t squish them
- They buy shoes from the kids section (cheaper too)
- They often wear bright coloured clothing
- They avoid walking were tall people walk, i.e. public walkways
- They prefer being in the middle of a large group to minimise the chances of being stepped on by passer bys
- They carry a pocket ladder, which is actually their idea of a full-sized HUMAN ladder
- They’re probably aliens
- They compensate by dating abnormally tall people
- They actually have normal voices, the reason we hear it so high-pitched and squeaky is because it takes a while for the sound waves to travel upwards.

So basically, this section is basically me teasing short people a bit more and had no relevance to the seemingly-repentant title of the section, other than being an example of the discrimination they experience. :) I’m kidding guys, I’m completely aware I’m pretty tall for an Asian and I have nothing against the little, tiny ant people who are now forming a little cute mob to murder me - preferrably with soft pillows - adorably. :3



Awes... aren’t they super cute when they're filled with murderous intent?



2) Mothers’ day is another way of saying Doomsday.

All joking aside, everyone’s mother is pretty much the reason they’re alive

Brain: “Actually Leanne, it’s exactly the reason they’re alive – “
Me: “Shut up”
Brain: “Well it’s not like a fetus is going to be reading this blog...”
Pfft, brains... what do they know about life?

The idea behind Mothers’ day is a noble one: to show your mother how much you appreciate them and say thank you. It sounds simple but it is literally, in every way, completely impossible. Think about it, this woman went through months of morning sickness, cravings, back pain, nausea, the pregnancy process, labour to give birth to you, taught you, tolerated your annoying crying and irrational urges, protected you, cared for you, nurtured you, brought you up, and loved you for YOUR ENTIRE FREAKING LIFE. And in return, one day of every year, you take her out to dinner or give her a home-made card. So let’s face it; NOTHING we’re ever going do is enough to show them how much we really do (or should) appreciate them.

You know that immense amount of uncomfortable guilt you’re experiencing right now? Businesses hear the sound of cash registers. They use the guilt you feel, amplify it by implying that you're an inadequate child, and trick you into buying insanely expensive stuff (like a $400 beauty spa voucher that basically means you’re paying half a grand to have your mum dunked in hot mud and enjoy it).

It’s advertised DOOMSDAY!

We’re all forced towards an impossible public dilemma to which we have had no previous training to manage *The obsessive-control freak inside me just died*! I heard an advertisement over the radio recently that basically said – and I quote: “*product name here* ALL mothers want this for mothers’ day”.

Err, what? My mum won’t even tell me what she wants for mothers’ day, let alone you – random speaker lady. Where is the research that all mothers want that product? Is it a brain probe which forces them to enjoy the product by taking over their mind? Where is the RESEARCH?! CURSE YOU – ANSWER ME!!

*Ahem*

Anyways, here’s some advice. The only way you can really show someone (doesn’t just apply to mothers) that you care and appreciate them, is just by saying “I love you and thank you”. Try it this mothers’ day. It's cheap.

Haha, no seriously, only say it if you mean it. :)






3) Laughing by yourself in public is apparently a sign you’re going insane

Most of the time on public transport I’m either:
- Suffocating from smelly people who don’t brush their teeth or take showers
- Listening to bad music from the guy playing really loud dance songs
- Lathering disinfectant on myself and people surrounding me
- Eating/drinking (I know I’m not meant to – arrest me)
- Contemplating important stuff (e.g. curing cancer, the meaning of life, etc.)
- Micro-sleeping
- Observing other people
- Laughing at voices in my head
- Talking to myself (not insane, I swear).

I very often imagine circumstances and have conversations with myself which causes me to laugh. Yes, I find myself funny. '_'

But I still don’t understand why it’s socially unacceptable. If I ever caught a person laughing in public by themselves, I wouldn’t think they were weird or something. I’d be like: “Cool, I wonder what they’re thinking”. This thought would be swiftly followed by me jumping on them, pulling their hair, screeching, and demanding what made them laugh. What can I say, I have an insatiable curiosity for such things.

Which apocalypse is most likely to end us all: Zombies, Justin Bieber or Pigeons.

It's a pretty obvious fact that I'm a massive zombie fan.

I'm actually more accurately, a zombie slayer. If you're thinking "Oh god, Leanne's completely bonkers" that's probably because you've never come against a zombie before. You know the reason you don't see zombies around nowadays? It's because I've slayed them all. They keep waking up and I keep hunting them down. Like an 18 year old, Asian, female version of Batman. Actually, it's nothing like Batman at all.

Oh yeah, I am just that bad.



So basically what I'm trying to say is: when I die, who will slay the zombies? I mean, sure everyone will fight them but who - other than me - will be able to slay them? Hence, when I die (peacefully, in my sleep, of natural causes, either really old and have lived a fulfilling life, or young and tragically - either one is pretty cool with me):

Absolutely. Everyone. Is. Fucked.

In the ear.

No seriously, I'm your best and last line against zombies and when I die, you all will have to brace yourself! :D

Just kidding, I'M COMPLETELY SANE *pulls crazy face and drools a little*

But there's one thing I cannot defend humans against. The Justin Bieber apocalypse! Let me just set this straight, I'm not a fan OR a hater, I'm not about to insult his singing (I mean seriously, he's just a kid, give him some leniency) and I'm not going to worship him.

All I'm saying is that he is one of the most powerful "world leaders" of our century. That's right, Justin Bieber has more power and influence than Barack Obama. You know what that means? That means that between the guy who can nuke half the world and start World War III, and the guy who sings pop culture songs, the pop culture guy has more power and influence.

What. The. Hell?

Then again it makes sense, I mean we can kill zombies because they're kind of dead, evil, pointless, lifeless monsters. But Justin Bieber has a legion of fans. Living, evil, pointless, lifeless monsters. The point is that they're living so we can't kill them but they sure as hell can kill us.



In case you're thinking to yourself, "big deal, they're just a bunch of girls", read the following - inevitable - chain of events:

1. Think about all those fan girls.
2. Now imagine that times about 10000000000000000000.
3. Now imagine all of them will probably brutally murder someone if Justin Bieber tells them to.
4. Now imagine Justin Bieber casually mentioning how he would only date a girl who succeeds in destroying the human race (he's an alien you know? A bit like me but shorter).
5. Now imagine those fan girls chasing after you, your friends, your family, basically everyone you'll ever know and love.
6. Now imagine dying.

Finally, the topic of pigeons.

As I awaited the bus to go to uni today, a pigeon was run over by a bus only a few metres in front of me. I jumped back a bit and was overall shocked by what I saw. I won't go into too much detail. Basically a loud snapping sound, a second of panicked flapping, feathers flying and a bloodied patch of bird.

So after jumping back and barely concealing a squeal of shock/fear/something I've never felt before, I looked around and NO ONE gave a damn. Seriously, there was a kid who laughed at it. This kid was probably about 6 years old and he was laughing. He probably didn't understand what happened though - at least I'm going to assume that.

The other pigeons - who were just seconds before eating alongside this err blood thingy on the road - flew back and resumed eating seemingly-invisible food off the road (they didn't eat their "friend" though). You know how they say elephants are one of the few animals capable of displaying sadness when one of their kind dies (like humans), yeah? Pigeons don't.

I mean I didn't expect a bird to start crying and hold an aviary funeral service for the other bird or anything but just eating right next to the corpse of a newly dead bird was pretty... I don't even know my own feelings on the matter.

So then I started analysing why they didn't give a damn. Basically everyone (besides me apparently) has seen a pigeon die before. It's common, nothing really dramatic to cry about.

That's a pretty sad reflection on society people. Seriously dude, that's messed up even by my standards.

Whatever it is that kills us eventually, I will still be sad over a life lost. No matter how often people die, I will always feel grief because of it.

Maybe that means I'll be a crap nurse. Or maybe it just means I'm really just a human.

Woah. Leanne. Fuck that's deep. O_o

Err.. Let's see, how to end this entry on a happy note...

Did you know I'm fluent in Klingon? True story. I've also been referred to as a female version of Spock. This is all from Star Trek people! :) Clearly I'm awesome and anyone will be lucky to have my babies!

See kids? The Apocalypse is a fun place to be! <3

Wet and naked.

I love my shower.

That’s where I learn a lot of my life lessons and it’s so relaxing. Ever stressed about something (like an assessment) and then taken a shower? It makes you feel more positive, calm and confident you can get over it. In the shower today I came to a few amazing conclusions (as per usual) but I’ll only talk about two of them.


1) I’m scared of commitment.

Well, not scared exactly. I just avoid it. It’s not like I have nightmares about committing. I’m not only talking about relationships by the way, although it applies to them too (I would choose to be a guy’s best friend rather than his girlfriend any day). It’s pretty much every aspect of my life.

Making plans for instance. I’m the type of person who would try and weasel out of my own birthday. I have even had conversations with people (and with myself) along these lines:

Me: “Do I have to go?”

Them: “It’s your birthday! You HAVE to go!”

Me: *cue thinking face* “Well I don’t have to go. I mean at the most it would be socially conventional for me to go”

Usually I’d have the excuse that my parents won’t let me go but that’s no longer valid since my dad’s promised to loosen up a bit (aka. I’m allowed to go to the Easter Show by myself next year – which doesn’t seem like a big deal to you but it’s like a freaking golden ticket to me). I’m more than capable of going out with these people (most of the time, unless I’m broke which is also, coincidently, most of the time too) but I choose not to.

There’s a few exceptions however. For one, I’m a sucker for guilt-trips. If my friend who’s asking me to go out happens to mention that I owe them one or that it will mean “a lot” to them if I go and they’ll be “disappointed” if I don’t go (and actually mean it) I will force myself to go. Other alternative reasons why I would show up somewhere is if I actually planned it (though I hardly plan anything) or if I really wanted to go (not often – I’m pretty damn anti-social). Or if they show up without forewarning and call me to tell me they’re there and waiting for me, I’ll make plans to see them immediately. Screw you Mr. Conscience! And yes, my conscience is a male - why else would he want to torture me? D:

So in conclusion: I’m either an avoider of commitment OR just plain anti-social.
To all those friends/people of mine who I’ve cancelled on, not shown up, or just made excuses of not going out with to: I am so sorry (but it is kind of your fault for asking me out when clearly I’m socially awkward). It’s clearly in my nature and I didn’t realise until tonight just how often I do it.

On another note, if there are any guys out there reading my blog who are also scared of commitment, ask me out so I can show up on our first date in a wedding dress. :) Hey, that would make an awesome dare...

2) An inverted penis would actually be like a vagina.

Think about it for a minute.

I mean, it’s not completely biologically correct but it’s pretty damn close.



As I said, I come up with the best conclusions in the shower. :)

The Easter Show and Magical Wands are totally related in this entry.

So as you all know (or alternatively, as I'm assuming you know), I went to The Royal Easter Show yesterday. My first time where I’m actually old enough to remember and my last year of being charged children’s admission! Ironically, I hate being patronised and treated like a kid but when I’m charged children’s prices for stuff I’m like HELL YEAH! :) That’s Asian for you.

My overall prognosis of the show now that I’ve actually been there? It’s AWESOME! I’m soo going back next year with friends! :) I’m already half-planning it and saving up for next year! Here are some of the aspects of the day that I noticed (short and summarised because I know you don’t really care):

- The Hollywood Horror House: You know those ghost rides where people just jump out in the dark to “scare” you as your carriage goes past? THIS IS NOTHING LIKE THAT! It’s a pretty expensive ride (10 coupons per person) but it was worth it! I’m a pretty logical person, I can be hanging upside down, swung around 10 stories in the air, surrounded by panicked people and I’d still remember that “Hey, it’s pretty scary but it’s safe and I’ll live”. Towards the end of the Hollywood Horror house, I thought I was going to actually die. It was so realistic. I walked in with a smile because I thought it’d be a fluke and give me something to criticise on my blog (because yes, I’ve actually begun to document events in my head to blog about) but I ended up sprinting out for my life, screaming. And that’s really something because I’m pretty cool in public (err... sure Leanne, we believe you).

However, you have to be at least 10 years old to go in. You know something will scare you shitless when it has an age limit on it. And if you’re thinking “10 years old isn’t that much”, I dare you to go in.

- I didn’t end up buying a show bag (are you proud?) but only because the ONLY one I wanted happened to have sold out already. D: Next year I’m going earlier.

- The prizes given out for games of chance are definitely rip offs. Some of them are very cute though, despite us not actually knowing what animal it is, especially like the one my sister got! [See below demotivational poster].



- The lines for rides get bad after 5pm but are pretty decent beforehand. Watching a ride before actually going on gives you a bit of an idea what it’s like. For example, we went on a car ride thingy that looked like it’ll just spin us around very quickly. I didn’t realise till I saw it in motion that it tips the car while spinning! The car is spinning and speeding and for once, it's not my fault! Before going yesterday I had NEVER been close to feeling sick from a ride. But the excitement and combination of rides got to me and I ended up almost-throwing up. While I was trying to control myself, my dad decides THIS is the perfect time to pull out the camera and take a photo of me. I think my face explains it all.



- People who work there either hate life or are very pushy. The only exception is that awesome clown lady and vegetable man in front of the Hollywood Horror House (did I mention how awesome that place is?).



Anyways, we went to a 3 hour mass tonight to compensate for having so much fun yesterday because that’s apparently how the world works to my parents. We got these candles which were hardly used other than in the first 10 minutes of the actual mass. So this is what I made from my candle:



I didn't realise I was doing it without thinking till about halfway through. I fiddle with stuff when I'm standing/sitting/kneeling still and evidently, I had Harry Potter on my mind at the time. By the time I did realise I was slowly shaving off layers of candle wax it was too late. There was a large pile of candle shavings and let's just say, it was pretty incriminating when the lights came on. Opps.

And being me, the first thing I say out loud to surrounding onlookers staring accusingly at the pile of wax shavings on the carpet around me is "I have really bad dandruff okay?".

Yes you read that right, I said that out loud. Because I'm not only weird on my blog, I'm also like this in real life.

I’m actually thinking of selling it and because there’s not a market for this product yet (mainly due to the complete lack of demand), I can set my prices to anything I want! :D So the authentic handmade by the amazing Leanne magical wand is priced at around $200. There’s only one in stock! So call me to negotiate a price and payment method now!

Oh and in case you just lunged at the phone and frantically started to dial my number before realising that you don’t have my number and that NO ONE calls me – even if they’re dying (which is understandable because calling emergency health services is more suitable in that situation), this is a joke! Also since a lot of people are asking, no I do not actually want to date anyone at the moment! They’re not asking me out (I wish <= see what I did there? Admit it, that messed with your head), they just ask if I’m serious and completely mad for posting that online.

The part I find funny is the fact that they read all my weird ramblings but the second I mention dating, all of the sudden THAT'S the weird thing! Dating me isn't weird, it's gross. Weird things are cool, dating isn't cool. Maybe I’m a sane person in an insane world. :) Yeah, I think I’ll go with that, you’re all mad. You, not me.

I'm still alive.

In case my readers were wondering. I've just been very lazy recently. :)

Why did I disappear from blogging for a while? Because I'm cool like that, okay? Not a really cool excuse (the very-lame "I've-been-doing-uni-work") but I'm sticking to it! :D

Here's an update on everything you've missed while I was away:
- Vacuumed
- Fed the dog a few times
- Done some uni work
- Hung out with a friend
- Had some pretty awesome conversations with myself

Therefore, since not a lot has happened this entry will basically be me rambling about whatever comes to mind while typing (oh yeah, I'm playing it by ear, how awesome am I?).

The first thing that comes to my mind is my Ranga Breeding Program. I'm pretty sure most of my friends have been told about it but for those of you who don't know, I'm obsessed with red heads. There's this one red head who catches same bus as me home, daily at around 4pm-ish and I always sneak glances at him on the bus. He wears these fingerless gloves and usually a band shirt and he's just totally cute!!

He's stopped catching the bus some time last year (I wonder why?). O_o Anyone got any guesses?

Anyways, the program. You see, because I'm obsessed with red heads, it's really sad when there aren't that many around these days. :( You know what there are heaps of? Asians. Why? Because our genes are dominant (Oh yeah, with the chains and whips and everything). Hence, unless a red head has babies with another red head or a blonde (strawberry blondes - the next best thing), there will be problems.

Hence, I've been slowly collecting blondes and redheads and recruiting them into a breeding program. It makes sense huh? :) Well, I'll just ignore the fact that usually when I ask people to join the Ranga breeding program they usually say yes and then laugh as if it's a joke. It's not. *serious face* '_'

Obviously I can't be involved in the actual breeding process because my genes are far too dominant.

Oh woah! :D I just google image searched "Redheads" (to make another demotivational image for the blog) and they are all soo pretty! I feel so ugly now, damn! D: I mean, how do you even get to be that pretty? Seriously google it, I promise no porn will come up :) <= See what I did there? With the over-use of smileys? I'm guilty of this because I try to inject as much emotion into my words as possible. The cover letter for my resume used to be a massive smiley face but then "Watchman" came out and made it try-hard. :( Haha, I'm just kidding with you - or am I? O_o Now we'll never know...



See?

Anyways, seeing as this topic is getting quite self-demotivating, change of topic. Today I had one of my friends over and had to clean the house before she came - according to my dad's wishes. All the while thinking to myself "she honestly wouldn't care/notice and she's also white".

Seriously, my bedroom on it's messiest day is cleaner than most people's on their cleanest (I'm scared of germs remember?). But oddly enough, despite my irrational fear of things that can kill me (aka. EVERYTHING), I really like mice. I want pet mice, they're soo cute with their little paws and cute pink ears! :D

If you think mice are yuck, then maybe you'll make an exception for this little guy:

He's only one step away from being a mouse! :D

Oh that's an idea, if people don't start telling me what they want for their birthdays - or just not mention their birthday in the first place - I'll resort to buying them mice. Yeah, I can see it now :)

Me: "Hey babes, I got you a pressie ;D" (I have no idea why I talk like this in my re-enactments)
Birthday person: "Oh, what is it?"
Me: "Close your eyes and hold our your hand ;P"
*Let's assume they do exactly that and I put a live mouse in their hands*
Me: MUHAHAHA! Stinking HUMAN! >:D

No I probably won't do that because they may spaz out and hurt the mouse. And I'd rather see a human get hurt than a poor innocent mouse (first sign of being a psychopath is caring more about animals than humans - according to books and movies).

On another note, I'm not a paranoid freak, seriously. Have you ever just took a moment to think about how easily you could die RIGHT NOW if something were to go wrong (unlikely but not impossible)? Like if you look around you right now, chances are you're in one of these scenarios:

- You're in a public place, surrounded by people you don't know. Any one of them could be on the brink of breaking point. The guy alone who's checking his phone? He's stressed out because this is the 5th time a girl has stood him up. All it takes is one wacko human to kill. Remember, it only takes seconds to kill and only a moment to die.

- You're alone in your room, where do I start? The light from the lamp will explode, the roof will collapse, your table will give out and you'll break your legs when it falls, you have a stalker outside your window, can anyone hear you scream with your music that loud?

- You're out somewhere natural (ie. a creek), no-one can hear you scream, there's a rapist in the woods, insects, slugs, LEECHES!, spiders, algae (yes I'm scared of this too), dark water where you can't see what's in it, mosquitoes (and malaria), etc.



If you still don't believe me, just leave a comment about a scenario and I'll tell you exactly what can go wrong. Seriously, think about how fragile you are. Your heart is nothing but a muscle. Muscle tissue can tear. O_o

Or is this another just-me thing? :S

One of my friends got new underwear today. I asked them if it was batman or superman themed. Apparently, I'm the only one who has superhero underwear. Well fine! I'm still cool right? Right? Guys...? *silence*

Anyways, I'm off now (hope I didn't freak you out too badly this time). I would say sorry for wasting your time, but I really am not. :)

Oh and just one parting confession: I'm going Easter Show tomorrow - and yes there will be someone at home so don't even think about robbing me!

Maybe I'll even get a show bag! *cue audience shock: Leanne you hypocrite!*

Two of the many countless things which creep me out but not normal people.

I hate birthdays.

It's nothing personal to do with the person or anything. I like people - most times. I collect specimens and then I call them my friends. Every one of my FB friends are specimens worth collecting because I like them, they're weird, or just "special" - except one of them who's only on there for me to keep track of and because I have a high tolerance to idiots. :P Most don't know this of course *everyone de-friends me*. D:

No, correction, I hate buying gifts for someones birthday. I'll tell you through the example of today's ordeal:

Today I decided (or rather, had to) leave my lair today and shop around for a birthday gift to give tomorrow. For those of you who don't know me that well, I ABSOLUTELY SUCK at giving gifts (and I'm also an impulse buyer so now I have some Pringles *onom nom nom*). Mainly because something that I think is cool, is not actually cool to other people. For example, I wanted a pillow shaped like a floppy disc. How many people do you know want a pillow shaped like a floppy disc?!



On another note, I ended up getting that beloved pillow for my birthday from the guy who I'm currently buying birthday presents for! See how good he is at choosing gifts? CURSE YOU! May you never breed, or else you'll have children who are awesome at giving gifts making all the future mini-Leanne clones suffer (because let's face it, I'm not going to breed ;_;)!

You know what really drives me insane? A lot of things... But what I'm only going to talk about one: when you ask the birthday boy/girl what they'd like and they say they don't want anything. What does that even mean? From now on, I DEMAND people make a birthday list of things they want or else I'll err... blog about you? *weak Leanne, very weak* SHUT UP, stupid voice in my head who somehow manges to type.

Anyways the point is, I'm going to end up buying you something so just tell me what you want (as long as it's in my price range - come on I'm Asian). Greedy people who demand their "friends" buy them a $400 straightener should be shot. :)

In conclusion, I ended up buying a mystery gift (which I find totally awesome but he probably won't), money (to make up for the disappointment of the mystery gift) and a card (expensive because I can).

The card is what's going to kill me! D: Have you ever read a letter/card that was soo emotional that it makes you want to throw up? Yeah, I pretty much invented those. Some people are emotional drunks, some people are emotional-card-writers. I'm trying to stop it from being too sugary sweet but it just ends up sounding insensitive. Oh how I wish I could simply sign my name and be done with it!

The ONLY thing worse than having to buy someone else a gift is planning your own birthday *shudder*. I mean the party in itself is fun but every year I say to myself "Okay, I'm actually going to plan a party this year" but when my birthday comes around: "Meh. Too much work, would rather be anti-social at home". Of course I couldn't do that last year because some of my best friends arranged a really cool surprise party (which made me feel guilty for not planning something myself). Hence, this year I swear to plan something - even if it is just a little dinner with close friends. :)

Now that all my readers know of my pledge of birthday-party-planning, you have the right to hurt me inhumanely if I don't. Yay for torture!


Weird fetishes.

Okay I know being scared of people with a foot fetish or some other gross body part is normal. But the WEIRDEST, SCARIEST fetish I've ever encountered is: The Asian Fetish. *cue dramatic music*

Allow me to start by saying... WHYYYY? Seriously why? Are you completely insane? Do you know what Asian females are like? ME! They're like ME (appearance-wise not personality, luckily no one has my personality)!

Whenever some guy comes up to me and says "I like Asian women", the only circumstances in which this could happen are:

1. He's psychotic

2. He's lying

3. He's trying to get into my pants -hah, I can dream right?-

4. He's drunk or under the influence of other drugs

5. Trying to recruit me into a brothel.

It's weird. But then again, judging by the fact but my dream guy would be a red head from Scotland who rides a green motorbike and has a big forehead, I'm not a good person to ask about weirdness.

Things we never admit to doing but everyone knows we do it anyways.

Yesterday I had a very pleasant surprise when someone on FB told me that she "genuinely" enjoys reading my ramblings. This is amazing for a variety of reasons, mainly that:

1. Someone understands what I'm rambling about.
2. Someone actually reads my blog - probably because of boredom - and hence, brings my total collective audience to 2 people (including myself, yes I often read my blog and laugh again at everything I've typed. Oh I'm so clever).

On the downside: she's probably going insane - if she isn't already just from exposure to this blog. Yay for insanity!

Today's topic will basically be exactly what the title of this blog states. I'm quite aware a handful (a very small handful - like a toddler's hand) of people do read my blog but I know that most of them would never admit to such blatant blasphemy! :o

Anyways, here's a bunch of things we all do but will never admit to doing (the majority of us):

1. Pooping.

I was in class a few weeks back and we were talking about pooping/excretion of waste/stool/etc. You know society is pretty much lost when the teacher was basically giggling at the very word "poop". Everyone in the class - not including me, I was too busy observing more human specimens - avoided eye-contact and shifted nervously in their seats while we listened to the teacher lecture on about a highly-exaggerated account of the effects of severe constipation.

This is of course, completely normal!

However, I do nursing. I am a part of the next generation of nurses and most of them can't bring themselves to say poop, the remainder can't say it without laughing hysterically.

Doctor: "Excuse me Mr. Springer, I'm afraid you're going to have to go into surgery soon."
Patient: "Oh God! What is it? What's the cause of the abdominal pain?"
Doctor: "You suffer from bowel obstruction caused by severely-delayed excretion and resulting constipation. It is actually a very serious but manageable illness. With the proper treatment, we can avoid further complications and undo all the damage."
Patient: *in shock* "All because I didn't poop?"
Nurses: *giggling* "Poop... He said POOP!" xD

Fail.

Believe it or not, everyone poops. Megan Gale? Yeah she poops. Miranda Kerr? Oh yeah. Taylor Swift? Yeap, even she must get diarrhoea sometimes.

Justin Bieber? -Oh God please don't say it- Yes! Even he poops. :)

GAHHH! The images! What has been imagined, can not be unimagined! D:



2. Taking free samples with no intention of buying the product.

We've all encountered the free-food sample lady/man in our supermarkets. When I was younger I would walk past them SUPER SLOW and pretty much made it so obvious that I wanted a sample that she/he just gave some to me for the sake of getting rid of me/ or because of pity.

I am shameless.

Well I was. Nowadays I avoid the free sample person like the plague. I feel guilty if they give me a free sample and I DON'T buy it, especially when I can. This poor person has been standing and preparing little pieces (very little - if they could make samples microscopic and still have the taste, it would be) all day and how often does someone actually buy the product? ... More often than you think, but still not that often.

You know that awkward moment when you're eating the sample and they stare at you? This is what I've always imagined they were thinking:

"I'm trusting her with this sample, will she buy it? My heart has been broken soo many times today with non-sample-buyers, will she do the same? My heart is so cold, my spirit is so broken, oh please, I NEED this sale to feed my family. Please take pity on me!"

So that's the point where I often cave in and buy the product - even if I will NEVER eat it!

"My heart is shattered into - oh wow, are you actually going to buy this product? I can't believe that worked! SUCKER!"

Which will lead to this typical Asian event (which may or may not have already occurred)- Imagine this with an Asian accent:

*Leanne comes home with a bunch of pizza bases*
Family: "You do realise it's cheaper to just order pizza than to buy all the ingredients and spend the time making it right?"
Me: "But THIS would be healthier! At least according to the sample lady..."
Family: "Yes, but Pizza Hut would be CHEAPER!"

Oh by the way, the pizza base tasted terrible. Which may be because we didn't end up putting any toppings on it -other than textured tomato paste- due to the fact that we didn't want to spend the time or money on the toppings... O_o

You're probably wondering why I don't just take the sample, say I'll buy it and then walk away - or maybe you're not wondering that at all but for the sake of this blog I'm going to assume you are! I simply can't! They usually have the stall RIGHT NEXT TO the sample stand. They watch you like hawks -more like vultures- and they have already mastered the unique skill of guilt-tripping someone.

To my readers who are managers/deputy managers at supermarkets: Shame on you for subjecting the public -or just me- to such HORROR! D:

It's odd how if they're giving it away for free, we're more likely to eat it (I'm referring to the food samples and not the samples of detergent or something. Unless you were really hungry) than if we had the choice to actually buy it. For example, OMG FREE TOMATO PASTE? Oh yes, I can really taste the textures more with this paste. How often do you go to the fridge craving textured tomato paste?! Seriously? Unless you're like me, in which case - pretty much all the time...

Let me tell you the circumstances in which free samples are given:

1. To promote a new product - may or may not be bad.

2. To get rid of products to bring in new ones/new stock: This is the one they don't want you to know about. It's a CONSPIRACY - well not really but I need to make at least one claim today or I'll explode! Seriously, to be safe check the expiry date before you buy a sample product.

3. To make socially awkward people like Leanne feel socially awkward. Congratulations, you've succeeded in highlighting my strangeness in a supermarket.


3. Watch porn/masturbate.

Don't lie. '_'

You're on a Government database. They regulate the porn industry you know, yeah, true story.

Unless you're like me. I don't have any genitalia. It's just a black hole so I can't masturbate and I see no point in watching porn. The fact that I have a black hole instead of a sexual organ is also the reason I often do not wear pants at home.

In fact, I never wear pants. If you think I am wearing pants it's probably because you've been sucked into the black hole and in an alternate universe of Leanne-wearing-pants world. Which is exactly like this world, but I'm wearing pants. I'm not sure if the alternate me has genitals or if she's as cool as this version of me, so you'll have to ask her when you see her.



You know I've been spelling masturbate as 'masterbate' or 'mastabate' for ages until one of my friends corrected me? Well I apologise for that but I don't really find the need to spell it that often.