Well hello Mr. Police Officer :) Nothing suspicious is happening in my mind.

So I haven't blogged for a while and this time it wasn't my fault. Being the commitment-phobe that I am, whenever someone would ask me to update my blog, I'd be less motivated and less inclined to do so. So blame them for reading my blog and actually wanting to read more - because they're crazy.

Hey wait, that means you're crazy.

Yes, it's entirely your fault. :) Now I feel much better about myself.

Of course if you're looking for someone specific to blame, putting a face and a name to the person in other words (I'm completely aware that most people won't understand that - it made sense in my head and that's all that matters), blame this guy:




On another related note, I believe I'm currently socially-hibernating. A psychologist friend of mine (no he's NOT a part of my professional help team.... yet), pointed out to me that I go through cycles of social hibernation and explosions. Although not in those words... and probably with a different meaning to what I interpreted it as.

I wasn't really that surprised though because when I'm not around any specimens (which is very often judging by my social life), I observe myself. This keeps me occupied for hours because let's face it, not even I understand what's going on in my mind sometimes.

Many weeks ago I met a police officer who's doing my course at uni (why would you change your weapon of choice from a gun/taser/light saber (for the futuristic nerds in all of us) for a syringe is beyond my comprehension). Needless to say, I pretty much jumped on him and demanded him to introduce me to men in uniforms.

I then proceeded to engage in a lot of conversations which may potentially label me as clinically insane with him. Oddly enough, I have yet to be arrested (probably because he suspects that I'll like it or something... which I would).

Not a lot of people are aware of this but I used to want to become a cop. The only problem is I'm possibly the most unfit person on the face of the universe. I eat food and things that aren't really "food" but still quite edible (don't take this out of context - I'm not being perverted! DIRTY SPECIMEN!), and I hardly exercise. At all. Which will make me the most hypocritical nurse on the planet - when I become a nurse.

What would a police officer wear to a job interview anyways? I mean, arriving in a business suit is pretty conventional but not really practical considering the fact that they have uniforms and all. It's weird how often suits are used for jobs that don't actually require suits. Think about it, chefs don't wear suits to work, fire fighters have their own uniform, nurses have their own uniform, bus drivers have their own uniforms, tradies have their own uniforms, etc. But what do all of these people conventionally wear to job interviews? Suits.

I bet you that it's a conspiracy. Only kidding, I don't take gambles, I'm always right. Still, there's probably one guy (the inventor of suits) who conventionalises these things so that they still sell. Because let's face it, they. are. useless. They're stiff and impractical and no, you do not look sexy in them (even if you spent $400000 on it).



Admit it. You want that uniform don't you?

:)

For some odd reason, a lot of people sometimes ask me for relationship advice. So I've decided to blog about some dating/courting stuff (look out for my future blog "Leanne's Rules of Dating - yes I can give advice despite being single for a good few decades"). When asking a person out, there's only one word I can say.

Fish.

You read it right, fish - as in the aquatic marine creature thingy. If you want a girl/guy to REALLY remember you, give them a fish in a little bag. It's cute, it's quirky and even if they reject you, at least you got to see the look of pure, honest confusion on their faces beforehand.

Also it makes for some awesome (cliche's) vagina jokes:


How inappropriate of me. :o

For any of you that weren't aware, I had clinical for two weeks. Clinicals is basically when student nurses all swarm towards hospitals and health centers for a few weeks at a time to "practice" their "skills" on unsuspecting patients. I got really good marks at the end of it for two reasons:

1. I drove all the nurses in the team and all the health professionals in the building insane. At the beginning, for example, the nurse I was with encouraged me to ask her lots of questions because she "loved answering student questions". Several missed turns and U-turns later (community nurses drive around), she pulled over, shook her head in disbelief and basically said, "Leanne, SHUUUUUT UUUP!". To which I couldn't resist but laugh. She was easily one of my favourite nurses. :)

2. I made all the patients laugh. By threatening them. With injections. And hence, coercing them into compliance. :)

I'm going to be a great nurse one day....

Michael Buble and my countless other weaknesses

1. Yes you read the title right.

Although my taste in music is diverse and oddly specific at the same time, Michael Buble is always the fastest way to any girls heart. If you've never heard him singing before - it's what I would imagine the voice of a sex god to sound like. The only reason he hasn't been a voice-over for any animation movies is because his voice alone can impregnate people.

Oh that reminds me, I finally figured out what super power I'd like. I'd like the ability to impregnate anyone by just concentrating on them. It doesn't matter if they're male or infertile - I'll make them pregnant. Now before you laugh (if you're not already), I'd like for you to imagine what this power means. It's an ability as old as time, and as powerful as it too. I could be the ultimate super hero or super villain - depending on my mood and time of month. :)




2. Princess Beatrice Royal Wedding Vagina-coloured Hat & Desserts

In case you didn't know or were living under a rock for the past year, Kate and William got married recently and this hat made headlines:



The real irony is that everyone said they would NEVER wear such a hat and she was insulted for wearing it... and it's currently on eBay for GBP 11,600.00 (Approximately US $18,801.28). I kid you not, here's the link (in case some of my specimens have about 19K to burn): Click here! Not a virus I swear! Oh what's that? You didn't even consider me sending a virus online? And now that I've said that, you're paranoid? Oh wells, welcome to the glamorous life of a paranoid creep! After a few hours you'll be exactly like me - and no, quickly closing the window and burning your computer won't change that - yay! :)

Onto dessert items (which are only included in this section because I can't say enough about it for it to be in it's own category), I eat them. You eat them. We have something in common - let me have your babies. :D

Seriously, the starter and main courses only exist to increase the anticipation for dessert!

On another note: as if you didn't think "vagina-coloured" when you first saw that... or is it just me again? '_'

On yet ANOTHER note: why is the expression: "living under a rock" meant to be a reprimand? Living underground would be awesome (if the air circulation was good). I'd love to live in an underground cave which I'd turn into a laboratory like Batman (the comic book versions, not the modern movie adaptations). Yes, I still read comics.




3. Broad shoulders
On absolutely anything. Men, women, animals, couches, beds, specimens, nipples, sticky tape - seriously it's impossible to over-do it!

4. Geeks
See my previous blog for more on this, but basically my dream guy would do the following considerably 'geeky' things:
- Shop at ThinkGeek
- Game - and is actually good at it!
- When they play games, they HAVE to absolutely do everything and make sure they didn't miss any hidden features until they finish it! Because playing them any other way is just decreasing from the experience.
- Manage their time (aka. remember to take showers).
- Know programming code :3
- Speak Klingon
- Use Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock to solve problems.
- Refers to me by either by full name (if they can pronounce it) or alternatively, my elvish name. Yes, even in bed. :)

At the end of the day, I'm fairly confident that's what all women want in their men. Trust me, I'm an expert in getting women's numbers. :)

Which brings me onto another topic: many specimens aren't able to determine my sexuality. There are many guesses, including:
- I'm straight but sometimes act - rather convincingly - homosexual.
- I'm bi-sexual.
- I'm completely lesbian.

I thought that on this EXCLUSIVE BLOG INTERVIEW WITH MYSELF, that I'd clear this once and for all!!
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*oh how exciting*

I'm Leanne. :)

5. Geeks with broad shoulders



Okay, if you're not automatically hot and bothered from reading that, you're weirder than me. :)

Anyways, it's way past my bedtime (still pretty early at 9.30pm but YOU don't have to wake up at 6am tomorrow in the freaking ice cold morning!).

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THAT GUY HAS A PENIS! D:

We have all watched horror films at some point of our lives (hopefully not the end point because that would be highly ironic) – and if you happen to be living in a deep void of space with only access to my blog for ‘entertainment’, not to worry because you’ll probably still be able to understand what I’m going on about in this entry (oh and I’m jealous of your care-free isolation). Anyways, when I watch these horror films, I often try to figure out how long I’ll be able to survive in this alternate world on screen.

The answer is: not very long.

There are countless reasons why I would quickly be eliminated from the group in a horror film universe:

1) I’m too observant

You know that scene in Saw where the guy is pretending to be dead or something? I still haven’t watched Saw so I can’t say for sure. Well, wouldn’t someone have noticed that he was still -you know- breathing?

Or in Nightmare on Elm Street: absolutely no-one found it strange that EVERYONE in the same class basically didn’t remember their entire childhood at all? I mean, after a traumatic event, some people may lose their memories and such – but not every single kid. You would think someone would stand up and be like: “Okay, why the hell is it that every kid around my age in this neighbourhood doesn’t have a clue about our past together? I mean, why aren’t the parents getting together for house parties and mentioning that we went to the same primary school or something normal and basic like that?”

And I hate to say this (seriously, it almost kills me) but there are also several inaccuracies in the ideal of a zombie apocalypse:

- They’re dead. Obviously. Dead things rot and without all those biological mechanisms allowing them to regenerate from their injuries or feel pain – they’re double dead (no pun intended). Think of it this way: every time you get a paper cut, you can’t heal. How many paper cuts have you gotten in your entire life (be honest you have no idea do you? I've had 27 - oddly enough, it's my favourite number. And yes, I do count)? How many times have you stubbed your toe on something (5 that I can remember)? Or scrapped your knee (lost count - too much pain)? Now imagine that you NEVER healed from it.

- Brains aren’t a source of renewable energy: The zombies’ source of food is themselves. Does anyone else see the flaw in this? I mean, once the human race has been turned into a bunch of brain-dead zombies. What then? Seriously, I can almost imagine the zombie’s killing and turning the last human and then they all stand around and stare at each other blankly. “Jesus John, why the hell did you kill the last one huh? What are we meant to do now?”

Now I can only assume that at this point the zombies go through an existential crises and start forming religions and seeking a greater being to guide them. In which case they begin to form roles in society and develop traditions. Basically, the world will start over again and then rot as the zombies will inevitably die from lack of food.

Movie directors and writers aren’t scientists and often don’t think these things through – or if they do, they decide to ignore it anyways because what kind of normal person gets caught up in some geeky world of logic when it comes to a zombie apocalypse? *cue audience staring accusingly at Leanne*

- But let’s say that it's a different type of zombie which couldn’t rot and had all its biological processes and didn’t need to eat humans to survive? Hmm, NO! How could you even think such blasphemy? D:

"But Leanne, this is one of the voices in your head - and I'm you. So you just thought of that."

"Shut up." *glare*

"...Okay, how the hell are you going to glare at yourself?"


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ANYWAYS:

That’s invalid because there is only one type of zombies – shut up fellow geeks and zombie enthusiasts, I know what you’re thinking! But this entry will not be able to end otherwise.

Oh and another thing: there are way too many people looking forward to the zombie apocalypse. I mean seriously, it’s no longer an apocalypse if you look forward to it. Great, now I’m going to have to invent another conspiracy.



Or maybe this is another “Just me” thing...


2) I don’t have access to a cleverly-disguised super computer

* Are you currently being haunted by a supernatural spirit or creature?
* Are all your friends dying one by one?
* Are you one of the main characters of the movie?

If you answered yes to any or all of the above: Great news! You can find out everything you need to know about the mysterious, super-thing about to kill you by typing their name into Google(when they died, how they died, were they a suspect of some unsolved crime before disappearing, did they know you or your family, which house they used to live in, if their body/ bodies of their victims were ever found, etc.)!

What. The. Hell? O_o <= See that? I'm shocked. Do you know how hard it is to shock me? You either have to run over a pigeon in front of me or something like this needs to happen. Except if this happened in real life, it'd actually be pretty cool.

Okay, now unless you’re authorised to look up such documents or have a super computer which specialises in investigating scary, spirit things, it is highly unlikely you’ll be able to search up a random name and find the solution of your phenomenon on Google. I have actually searched up the actual names of real-life serial killers (I have innate-uncontrollable-curiosity remember?) and not only do I have to shift through countless pages to find one worth reading (unlike the movies where it’s usually within the first 1-3 search result links) but it’s also pretty damn boring. ;_; I've been let down.


3) I have over-protective (and Asian) parents

If there’s some psychopath wandering around my area and murdering people, I can pretty much guarantee that my parents won’t let me leave the house - ever. I mean, even now – in a normal neighbourhood with no murders happening (or having happened in ages) – my parents are constantly finding reasons to keep me indoors (like I need a reason). Somehow a murder on the other side of the world, happening to a girl my age is tragic but unrelated to what's happening to me now. I doubt that the guy, after murdering the girl, decided to jump on the first plane to Australia and hunt me down next. Then again, I'd be interested to see if they could prove me wrong, me being a zombie slayer and all.

I'm only kidding by the way. Don't that that challenge out of context, if you're a murderer, please keep away from me, my family and my human observation specimens (aka. Friends).

Anyways, my parents have nothing to worry about because I’m socially awkward and anti-social in nature, I don’t have friends (who I don’t know where they live), and I'm scared of the world (like my parents, but probably for different reasons).

I’d imagine that every parent in the world believes that every serial killer, stalker, rapist and murderer within the perimeter of the entire continent is after their kid. Or is it only mine?





4) I’m too socially awkward

Have you ever watched a movie where everyone has to figure out which one is the killer before they all die? This is usually eventuated by the audience and the main characters thinking it’s this one social outcast who's killing everyone until their prime suspect dies (does this plot even hold any level of shock value anymore?) and they’re left shitting bricks and confused. Oh and it’s usually the one they “least expect” – these twist endings are always predictable.

Well if I were ever in a horror film, I could easily imagine which character I’d play in this plot. Take a lucky guess.

Also, I'm a nurse, so you can imagine how awesome I would be as a killer.





5) I’m highly logical when scared shitless

When there’s a killer strolling around and picking off people you know one-by-one, do not - under any circumstance - wander off by yourself. It’s pretty common sense but there seems to be an abnormal lack of that in most modern-day horror films. I’m not full of common sense all the time and I have pretty damn irrational urges on a daily basis (I want to grow feather roots. Not actual feathers, just the base of it but more on that another day), but this is pretty common-sense – even to me.



So in conclusion, even in the highly-unbelievable world on-screen, I still would not fit in and will most probably die. Quickly. And awkwardly. Like being killed on a toilet '_'


On another note, I’ve been getting a lot of people assuming that on my blog, I’m trying (so very hard) to be funny. I’m not. I acknowledge that the way I see and think about things is a bit strange and slightly humorous from different points of view (perhaps the understatement of the year?) but at no point in my blog do I ever attempt to be funny.

Although it’s very sweet of these specimens to assume that I have a sense of humour, I am really just this strange. :)

Return of the Blogger! The Triology is complete, your soul is mine! [Part3 of 3]

... Seriously? You’re STILL reading this? Even with that title? You're crazy. '_'

1) Perception

I was told a few days ago that the only way people could possibly find my blog funny – or read it in the first place without going insane – is if they are able to see the world through my eyes. It’s all in their perception vs. mine.

Take this guy for example:



Normal people will probably think:

- Is he too big for the furniture? (aka. Did he grow twice his size?)
- Is the furniture too small for him? (aka. Is he sitting on a kid-sized chair?)

I’m thinking along the lines of:

- Getting small furniture won’t make your penis look bigger
- Is my depth perception off? Is he’s squatting and the chair just happens to be in the right place in the background
- I probably shouldn’t take pictures of my friends and criticise them
- But I still do it anyways :)
- Is he wearing beautiful robes that everyone can see but him, or is he naked?
- A squirrel will MAKE this picture, someone get me one, STAT! What? I don’t care if they’re not in Australia! ... Well I don’t know where you’d get one from, eBay it! Geez, so hard to get mental help nowadays! :)


2) False and Mentally Disturbing Advertisements (which actually work)

So just then a pop-up advertisement came up telling me to click to enlarge my penis size (don’t ask about what sites I visit), so I clicked it.

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And nothing happened. D’:

They LIE! WHY would they lie? It’s because I’m Asian isn’t it?

Wouldn’t it be awesome if internet advertisements actually told the truth? The slogans would go a lot like this:

- Click on this link and download a virus now!
- Do you suffer from premature ejaculation? HAR HAR HAR LOL! Sucks to be you!
- Borrow $400 and pay back $50000000000!
- This computer animated girl wants to talk to you now (and will probably take all your money)!
- Your avatar in this online game will NEVER be as lame as you! <= The internet lives on to hurt us.
- If you don’t buy this product, you will NEVER be able to live an accomplished life! (Similar to free-sample people at supermarkets).
- Shoot three of the 5 ducks down to win! IF YOU EVEN THINK OF SHOOTING ONLY TWO (as if you've never done that) AND LEADING ME ON, I WILL ASSASSINATE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. :)

Companies know no bounds when it comes to advertising. It’s a pretty well known fact that sex sells. You go past a store that sells jeans and T-shirts, which are pretty average products, but put a huge picture of a naked girl and guy wearing nothing but jeans and running around happy and it sells.



Another annoying selling strategy is the guilt-tripping (seen clearly during Mothers’ Day). I woke up last week and got a letter in the mail, my sister brought it into my room and I opened it half-asleep and started to read it to wake my mind up before getting out of bed. It was from PETA, which basically meant that on that particular morning; I woke up to the very, vivid description of skinned, dying puppies. Oh... Lovely, thanks for that. Now I feel like a terrible human being for not being a vegetarian and donating – and I quote – “At least $20 for membership which will assist this cause like a good person”.

That’s right: to be a good person, I must send my credit card details in the mail so that they can send me more letters and magazines which will make me feel even guiltier from reading them and cause me to send even more money.

OMG it’s a continuous loop! D:

Let me just clarify that I’m completely against animal cruelty but I’m doing my part by not buying fur and not eating puppies. That should be enough for you people, now let me get back to sleep. =.=


3) I’m EXISTENT!

This is a pretty random topic – oh and yes, the previous blog topics were completely normal musings (admit it, you’ve thought those things too).

I remember in high school some of my friends and I created a random joke religion called “Existentialism” or something like that, and the followers were known as “existents” (Haha, get it? It’s a pun). The theory was based on the Matrix and that no-one exists in this world but if you happened to be on a boat and drink coconut juice, we’d come back into existence and all the mythical creatures (i.e. dragons (not mythical), zombies (not mythical), phoenix, unicorns, trolls, elves, etc. => none of which are mythical to me) are actually real (to you).

No I have never used any drugs – that was me completely sober then and right now.

Since I’ve been thinking about it recently, I realised that I’ve forgotten how it all worked (all the theories), anyone from my previous high school group care to refresh my memories? I’m not trying to start a cult or something gay/crazy like that.

I’m weird and - probably unhealthily - curious but not insane. :)

P.S. I will be using people who I hardly talk to for my blog. No one is safe from my wrath. Thank you :)

Return of the Blogger! Oh please accept this peace offering... [Part2 of 3]

Okay, time for Part 2, Part duo, Part II, etc. I can’t believe you’re still reading this but here are three more brain-damaging topics that I guarantee will make you less intelligent from simply being exposed to it! Surely you don’t need all of those IQ points, right? Yay!

1) First impressions count

Today I met a bunch of new people – I don’t remember any of their names but nonetheless I’ve met them. I have this issue with remembering names; mainly because I’m either disinterested with normal names or that I can’t remember how to pronounce the unique ones. Have you ever had an entire conversation with someone with a familiar face who remembers your name but no matter how hard you frantically dig into your mental processes, you can’t figure out who the hell they are?

Yeah, I got sick of frantically digging every single time I met someone new.

So now when I meet someone, I either do one of two things:

1. Call them by a name I think would suit them better than their actual name – ironically this strategy often helps me to remember their actual name a lot quicker. And if I don’t remember, it doesn’t really matter. So far there are only a handful of people I know who I call by names which I believe would rather suit them (and they find me weird so they’ve already accepted their fate from the moment they let me get away with it the first time).

2. Although there some people who don’t remind me of any names. For these people, I use the “first-impression remembering technique”. Basically, this entails is for me to do something – err, how would one describe it... – peculiar to help me to remember them. For example, there’s the guy-I-helped-to-zip-up-his-fly-when-we-first-met-and-he-crapped-himself guy or the two-girls-who-have-nice-smelling-hair-and-think-I-have-a-freaky-hair-fetish that I met today! See? It works, who can forget something so unusual and traumatic! But since it’s also fun, we can ignore the trauma of it :)


2) Friends make good demotivational posters – oh and they may or may not also want to kill me.

As you may or may not have noticed, I’m getting more creative with my blogging images. I’ve recently wondered, who is stranger: me or the people who enjoy my company. I’ve decided to point out the weirdness of not only the world and myself, but also all my friends/ acquaintances too – seeing as I observe (stalking is such a harsh word to use) them anyways – in my blog. Finally! I can prove I’m not the ONLY strange one! Also, this gives me leverage for if they ever decide to annoy me – which usually happens when they call the police or lock their bedroom windows at night. :) Sleep tight my blog readers!

So anyways, here are a bunch of proto-type images I’ve decided to start off with (if the reception is good – in my opinion, not theirs – I’ll keep adding these with actual related topics):












3) Online shopping is the addictive drug of the 21st Century

I’ve recently started to online shop – mainly at ThinkGeek (awesome but pricey online geek store) – and I’ve discovered one of the biggest scam of this year is on Facebook. You know all those Facebook stores which basically sell a bunch of stuff to people who can’t shop online and keep popping up everywhere? Yeah? Well they rip you off so badly! Like one of the eye-shadows palettes in this girls’ FB shop was priced at $42 and I’m buying the EXACT same one for less than $10 (including shipping). I feel pity for the people who are rushing to buy it because they have the cash but not the ability to shop online.

Since this revelation, I’ve been scouring the internet for more cheap things (I’m Asian, remember?). :)

And then it dawned on me: Online shopping is an addiction. And before you say “That’s ridiculous Leanne, online shopping isn’t an addiction! Suck my dick”, let me just remind you that nowadays there’s sex addiction, baby addiction, royal wedding/family addiction, gaming addictions – put it this way, if someone in the world likes something a bit too much, it’s classified as an addiction.

Luckily I don’t have a very addictive personality.

I’m serious, I can stop anytime, I swear! '_' *twitch twitch* 

Return of the Blogger! [Part1 of 3]

People who read this blog either find it intriguing and confusing, or they see past the weirdness and find humour in my observations of this world (as opposed to all the numerous other planets I’ve visited). In the past week which I haven’t been blogging, I’ve made countless observations. Hell, in the past hour, I’ve made countless observations. I always observe things and draw conclusions from what I see; I’ve probably observed you... I would say “in a freaky, stalker-ish way” but the term stalker is used too much nowadays, I’ve decided to go with “Observe”. This is the main reason I refuse to name people in my blog, so they don’t realise that I’m stalking... err, “Observing” them. :)



You’re perfectly safe of course! Oh by the way, nice curtains and your milk has expired. :D See how helpful “observers” can be?

Since I don’t have any sheep on hand at the moment, I’ve decided to post a 3-part blog entry as a peace offering for my absence. So without further delay, here are some “observations” to keep you people entertained – you poor, sick bastards. '_'

1) Short people get discriminated against.

Firstly, let me clarify by saying that I am not by ANY extent a shortie/migit/dwarf/etc., but a lot of my friends are (seriously, how do short people breed?! Is there a website I can watch this process on? Would I need a microscope?). And yes, I have given them crap about it (have you noticed?). They are all really short and I’m not worried about writing this up because I don’t think they can read such huge font. :P

Here’s a list of things I’ve noticed about short people from observing all my tiny friends scurrying about my feet:

- They don’t like being stepped on or trampled over (seriously, who would’ve guessed?)
- From above, they look like the mushroom things you squish on Super Mario – but you shouldn’t squish them
- They buy shoes from the kids section (cheaper too)
- They often wear bright coloured clothing
- They avoid walking were tall people walk, i.e. public walkways
- They prefer being in the middle of a large group to minimise the chances of being stepped on by passer bys
- They carry a pocket ladder, which is actually their idea of a full-sized HUMAN ladder
- They’re probably aliens
- They compensate by dating abnormally tall people
- They actually have normal voices, the reason we hear it so high-pitched and squeaky is because it takes a while for the sound waves to travel upwards.

So basically, this section is basically me teasing short people a bit more and had no relevance to the seemingly-repentant title of the section, other than being an example of the discrimination they experience. :) I’m kidding guys, I’m completely aware I’m pretty tall for an Asian and I have nothing against the little, tiny ant people who are now forming a little cute mob to murder me - preferrably with soft pillows - adorably. :3



Awes... aren’t they super cute when they're filled with murderous intent?



2) Mothers’ day is another way of saying Doomsday.

All joking aside, everyone’s mother is pretty much the reason they’re alive

Brain: “Actually Leanne, it’s exactly the reason they’re alive – “
Me: “Shut up”
Brain: “Well it’s not like a fetus is going to be reading this blog...”
Pfft, brains... what do they know about life?

The idea behind Mothers’ day is a noble one: to show your mother how much you appreciate them and say thank you. It sounds simple but it is literally, in every way, completely impossible. Think about it, this woman went through months of morning sickness, cravings, back pain, nausea, the pregnancy process, labour to give birth to you, taught you, tolerated your annoying crying and irrational urges, protected you, cared for you, nurtured you, brought you up, and loved you for YOUR ENTIRE FREAKING LIFE. And in return, one day of every year, you take her out to dinner or give her a home-made card. So let’s face it; NOTHING we’re ever going do is enough to show them how much we really do (or should) appreciate them.

You know that immense amount of uncomfortable guilt you’re experiencing right now? Businesses hear the sound of cash registers. They use the guilt you feel, amplify it by implying that you're an inadequate child, and trick you into buying insanely expensive stuff (like a $400 beauty spa voucher that basically means you’re paying half a grand to have your mum dunked in hot mud and enjoy it).

It’s advertised DOOMSDAY!

We’re all forced towards an impossible public dilemma to which we have had no previous training to manage *The obsessive-control freak inside me just died*! I heard an advertisement over the radio recently that basically said – and I quote: “*product name here* ALL mothers want this for mothers’ day”.

Err, what? My mum won’t even tell me what she wants for mothers’ day, let alone you – random speaker lady. Where is the research that all mothers want that product? Is it a brain probe which forces them to enjoy the product by taking over their mind? Where is the RESEARCH?! CURSE YOU – ANSWER ME!!

*Ahem*

Anyways, here’s some advice. The only way you can really show someone (doesn’t just apply to mothers) that you care and appreciate them, is just by saying “I love you and thank you”. Try it this mothers’ day. It's cheap.

Haha, no seriously, only say it if you mean it. :)






3) Laughing by yourself in public is apparently a sign you’re going insane

Most of the time on public transport I’m either:
- Suffocating from smelly people who don’t brush their teeth or take showers
- Listening to bad music from the guy playing really loud dance songs
- Lathering disinfectant on myself and people surrounding me
- Eating/drinking (I know I’m not meant to – arrest me)
- Contemplating important stuff (e.g. curing cancer, the meaning of life, etc.)
- Micro-sleeping
- Observing other people
- Laughing at voices in my head
- Talking to myself (not insane, I swear).

I very often imagine circumstances and have conversations with myself which causes me to laugh. Yes, I find myself funny. '_'

But I still don’t understand why it’s socially unacceptable. If I ever caught a person laughing in public by themselves, I wouldn’t think they were weird or something. I’d be like: “Cool, I wonder what they’re thinking”. This thought would be swiftly followed by me jumping on them, pulling their hair, screeching, and demanding what made them laugh. What can I say, I have an insatiable curiosity for such things.