How to get a girl (guaranteed or your money back)!

In our cut-throat world, it's survival of the fittest. We don't really see it but it's there, thinly-veiled underneath all the business suits and seemingly "civilised" behaviour. Natural selection is all around us: the most attractive applicant gets the job, the richest guy gets the women, and the man-whore gets the STDs (also known as Karma).



Alright, let me just say that I - alone - can not account for all the females on Earth, or any of the other planets (if alien women is how you roll). I can however, count on my extensive knowledge of girls EXACTLY like me. So basically, due to the universal concept of individuality, it's just me.

This is a guide to picking me up. '_'

"Remember, you are an individual. Just like everybody else."

Step ONE: The introduction - Unleash your inner geek
The main thing you want to do is be memorable without being creepy. This is a skill honed in over time and can actually be very difficult if common sense is absent. Let me give you some examples:

WIN: If you really want to get a girl, I suggest trying geeky humour/pick-up lines. There's nothing more alluring than a guy who not only plays Dungeons and Dragons (DnD) but is the Dungeon Master (DM). For everyone out there who thinks the DM is something kinky. Let me tell you, it's not. If you're worried about being overly-geeky to the point of repulsion, let me tell you a secret. If you're going to go geeky, go all the way! Don't half-ass it. Seriously man, aim to be like... Sheldon Cooper, with a penis.

FAIL: It's great to be a geek, but please try to keep in mind that you were a male first. Don't let gaming/programming/reading/work eat up all your time! Girls like being chased. Not physically chased or anything illegal like this:



Oh god, I hope that is illegal. :/

But like a sweet, slightly-persistent chase.

You: "But Leanne, how will we know if the girl simply doesn't want us to chase her? How do we know if she's playing hard to get or not? D: Please help me!"

Well, my little, random, anti-social buddy :) Try to look for simple signs that you're presence is not welcome:
- She avoids talking to you, not because she's cheap and has no credit (like me), but because she honestly doesn't like talking to you.
- She's having a party and doesn't invite you.
- She tells you to "go away". I think you should start taking her seriously before she starts crying and finds an axe/chainsaw/etc.
- She hides from you whenever you're in the same room as her: evident when you see her nose-diving underneath a table in your peripheral vision.
- Her body language is stiff and unwelcoming and she replies - if she replies at all - with one liners.
- She avoids asking you questions (i.e. she doesn't ask how your day was after you ask how hers was).
- She calls the police and invests in full body armour, a bodyguard and self-defence training.

If a girl does all of these things plus more actions which can only be classified as hostile. It MIGHT mean she doesn't like you.

Step TWO: The date.
So you have finally managed to talk to a potential mate (you seriously should consider not referring to them as "potential mates". Oh and while you're at it, stop calling sex "breeding", it's cute but weird. So unless you want to attract weird women - like me - stop it) and you've managed to succeed in asking for a date - and for the sake of argument, she said yes.

Some of the rules of dating (which you don't like but probably do anyways):
- Men pay: don't be stingy, that's for the girls.
- If she pays, your chances of a relationship plummet as she only thinks of you as a friend, or she pities your bank account. But what if she's a bit of a feminist and wants to pay for herself? Well here's some news: screw equality of the genders when it comes to paying! >:(
- Try to do something fun like take her out dancing/ laser tag/ picnic/ shopping (WARNING: this activity only works if you're willing to be girly and shit money)! Dinner and/or movies are stereotypical and she's been on hundreds of those so their appeal-factor is pretty low.
- Don't stare at her when she eats.
- Don't laugh when she doesn't even say anything funny. It's weird. Stop it. Now. '_'

Step THREE: Marriage (because according to my sister, my blog is taking too long).
1. Get a ring.
2. Get on one knee.
3. Propose.
4. Shut down brain and don't think of the future (if you haven't already done that before step 1).

So clearly, after reading this blog. You're set for life - yay! Hahaha, I'm kidding, you've just spent 5 minutes of your life that you will NEVER get back. Not even if you kill me now :)

On another totally-unrelated note, is anyone planning on asking me out? ;D