You’re perfectly safe of course! Oh by the way, nice curtains and your milk has expired. :D See how helpful “observers” can be?
Since I don’t have any sheep on hand at the moment, I’ve decided to post a 3-part blog entry as a peace offering for my absence. So without further delay, here are some “observations” to keep you people entertained – you poor, sick bastards. '_'
1) Short people get discriminated against.
Firstly, let me clarify by saying that I am not by ANY extent a shortie/migit/dwarf/etc., but a lot of my friends are (seriously, how do short people breed?! Is there a website I can watch this process on? Would I need a microscope?). And yes, I have given them crap about it (have you noticed?). They are all really short and I’m not worried about writing this up because I don’t think they can read such huge font. :P
Here’s a list of things I’ve noticed about short people from observing all my tiny friends scurrying about my feet:
- They don’t like being stepped on or trampled over (seriously, who would’ve guessed?)
- From above, they look like the mushroom things you squish on Super Mario – but you shouldn’t squish them
- They buy shoes from the kids section (cheaper too)
- They often wear bright coloured clothing
- They avoid walking were tall people walk, i.e. public walkways
- They prefer being in the middle of a large group to minimise the chances of being stepped on by passer bys
- They carry a pocket ladder, which is actually their idea of a full-sized HUMAN ladder
- They’re probably aliens
- They compensate by dating abnormally tall people
- They actually have normal voices, the reason we hear it so high-pitched and squeaky is because it takes a while for the sound waves to travel upwards.
So basically, this section is basically me teasing short people a bit more and had no relevance to the seemingly-repentant title of the section, other than being an example of the discrimination they experience. :) I’m kidding guys, I’m completely aware I’m pretty tall for an Asian and I have nothing against the little, tiny ant people who are now forming a little cute mob to murder me - preferrably with soft pillows - adorably. :3
Awes... aren’t they super cute when they're filled with murderous intent?
2) Mothers’ day is another way of saying Doomsday.
All joking aside, everyone’s mother is pretty much the reason they’re alive
Brain: “Actually Leanne, it’s exactly the reason they’re alive – “
Me: “Shut up”
Brain: “Well it’s not like a fetus is going to be reading this blog...”
Pfft, brains... what do they know about life?
The idea behind Mothers’ day is a noble one: to show your mother how much you appreciate them and say thank you. It sounds simple but it is literally, in every way, completely impossible. Think about it, this woman went through months of morning sickness, cravings, back pain, nausea, the pregnancy process, labour to give birth to you, taught you, tolerated your annoying crying and irrational urges, protected you, cared for you, nurtured you, brought you up, and loved you for YOUR ENTIRE FREAKING LIFE. And in return, one day of every year, you take her out to dinner or give her a home-made card. So let’s face it; NOTHING we’re ever going do is enough to show them how much we really do (or should) appreciate them.
You know that immense amount of uncomfortable guilt you’re experiencing right now? Businesses hear the sound of cash registers. They use the guilt you feel, amplify it by implying that you're an inadequate child, and trick you into buying insanely expensive stuff (like a $400 beauty spa voucher that basically means you’re paying half a grand to have your mum dunked in hot mud and enjoy it).
It’s advertised DOOMSDAY!
We’re all forced towards an impossible public dilemma to which we have had no previous training to manage *The obsessive-control freak inside me just died*! I heard an advertisement over the radio recently that basically said – and I quote: “*product name here* ALL mothers want this for mothers’ day”.
Err, what? My mum won’t even tell me what she wants for mothers’ day, let alone you – random speaker lady. Where is the research that all mothers want that product? Is it a brain probe which forces them to enjoy the product by taking over their mind? Where is the RESEARCH?! CURSE YOU – ANSWER ME!!
*Ahem*
Anyways, here’s some advice. The only way you can really show someone (doesn’t just apply to mothers) that you care and appreciate them, is just by saying “I love you and thank you”. Try it this mothers’ day. It's cheap.
Haha, no seriously, only say it if you mean it. :)
3) Laughing by yourself in public is apparently a sign you’re going insane
Most of the time on public transport I’m either:
- Suffocating from smelly people who don’t brush their teeth or take showers
- Listening to bad music from the guy playing really loud dance songs
- Lathering disinfectant on myself and people surrounding me
- Eating/drinking (I know I’m not meant to – arrest me)
- Contemplating important stuff (e.g. curing cancer, the meaning of life, etc.)
- Micro-sleeping
- Observing other people
- Laughing at voices in my head
- Talking to myself (not insane, I swear).
I very often imagine circumstances and have conversations with myself which causes me to laugh. Yes, I find myself funny. '_'
But I still don’t understand why it’s socially unacceptable. If I ever caught a person laughing in public by themselves, I wouldn’t think they were weird or something. I’d be like: “Cool, I wonder what they’re thinking”. This thought would be swiftly followed by me jumping on them, pulling their hair, screeching, and demanding what made them laugh. What can I say, I have an insatiable curiosity for such things.
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