RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THAT GUY HAS A PENIS! D:

We have all watched horror films at some point of our lives (hopefully not the end point because that would be highly ironic) – and if you happen to be living in a deep void of space with only access to my blog for ‘entertainment’, not to worry because you’ll probably still be able to understand what I’m going on about in this entry (oh and I’m jealous of your care-free isolation). Anyways, when I watch these horror films, I often try to figure out how long I’ll be able to survive in this alternate world on screen.

The answer is: not very long.

There are countless reasons why I would quickly be eliminated from the group in a horror film universe:

1) I’m too observant

You know that scene in Saw where the guy is pretending to be dead or something? I still haven’t watched Saw so I can’t say for sure. Well, wouldn’t someone have noticed that he was still -you know- breathing?

Or in Nightmare on Elm Street: absolutely no-one found it strange that EVERYONE in the same class basically didn’t remember their entire childhood at all? I mean, after a traumatic event, some people may lose their memories and such – but not every single kid. You would think someone would stand up and be like: “Okay, why the hell is it that every kid around my age in this neighbourhood doesn’t have a clue about our past together? I mean, why aren’t the parents getting together for house parties and mentioning that we went to the same primary school or something normal and basic like that?”

And I hate to say this (seriously, it almost kills me) but there are also several inaccuracies in the ideal of a zombie apocalypse:

- They’re dead. Obviously. Dead things rot and without all those biological mechanisms allowing them to regenerate from their injuries or feel pain – they’re double dead (no pun intended). Think of it this way: every time you get a paper cut, you can’t heal. How many paper cuts have you gotten in your entire life (be honest you have no idea do you? I've had 27 - oddly enough, it's my favourite number. And yes, I do count)? How many times have you stubbed your toe on something (5 that I can remember)? Or scrapped your knee (lost count - too much pain)? Now imagine that you NEVER healed from it.

- Brains aren’t a source of renewable energy: The zombies’ source of food is themselves. Does anyone else see the flaw in this? I mean, once the human race has been turned into a bunch of brain-dead zombies. What then? Seriously, I can almost imagine the zombie’s killing and turning the last human and then they all stand around and stare at each other blankly. “Jesus John, why the hell did you kill the last one huh? What are we meant to do now?”

Now I can only assume that at this point the zombies go through an existential crises and start forming religions and seeking a greater being to guide them. In which case they begin to form roles in society and develop traditions. Basically, the world will start over again and then rot as the zombies will inevitably die from lack of food.

Movie directors and writers aren’t scientists and often don’t think these things through – or if they do, they decide to ignore it anyways because what kind of normal person gets caught up in some geeky world of logic when it comes to a zombie apocalypse? *cue audience staring accusingly at Leanne*

- But let’s say that it's a different type of zombie which couldn’t rot and had all its biological processes and didn’t need to eat humans to survive? Hmm, NO! How could you even think such blasphemy? D:

"But Leanne, this is one of the voices in your head - and I'm you. So you just thought of that."

"Shut up." *glare*

"...Okay, how the hell are you going to glare at yourself?"


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ANYWAYS:

That’s invalid because there is only one type of zombies – shut up fellow geeks and zombie enthusiasts, I know what you’re thinking! But this entry will not be able to end otherwise.

Oh and another thing: there are way too many people looking forward to the zombie apocalypse. I mean seriously, it’s no longer an apocalypse if you look forward to it. Great, now I’m going to have to invent another conspiracy.



Or maybe this is another “Just me” thing...


2) I don’t have access to a cleverly-disguised super computer

* Are you currently being haunted by a supernatural spirit or creature?
* Are all your friends dying one by one?
* Are you one of the main characters of the movie?

If you answered yes to any or all of the above: Great news! You can find out everything you need to know about the mysterious, super-thing about to kill you by typing their name into Google(when they died, how they died, were they a suspect of some unsolved crime before disappearing, did they know you or your family, which house they used to live in, if their body/ bodies of their victims were ever found, etc.)!

What. The. Hell? O_o <= See that? I'm shocked. Do you know how hard it is to shock me? You either have to run over a pigeon in front of me or something like this needs to happen. Except if this happened in real life, it'd actually be pretty cool.

Okay, now unless you’re authorised to look up such documents or have a super computer which specialises in investigating scary, spirit things, it is highly unlikely you’ll be able to search up a random name and find the solution of your phenomenon on Google. I have actually searched up the actual names of real-life serial killers (I have innate-uncontrollable-curiosity remember?) and not only do I have to shift through countless pages to find one worth reading (unlike the movies where it’s usually within the first 1-3 search result links) but it’s also pretty damn boring. ;_; I've been let down.


3) I have over-protective (and Asian) parents

If there’s some psychopath wandering around my area and murdering people, I can pretty much guarantee that my parents won’t let me leave the house - ever. I mean, even now – in a normal neighbourhood with no murders happening (or having happened in ages) – my parents are constantly finding reasons to keep me indoors (like I need a reason). Somehow a murder on the other side of the world, happening to a girl my age is tragic but unrelated to what's happening to me now. I doubt that the guy, after murdering the girl, decided to jump on the first plane to Australia and hunt me down next. Then again, I'd be interested to see if they could prove me wrong, me being a zombie slayer and all.

I'm only kidding by the way. Don't that that challenge out of context, if you're a murderer, please keep away from me, my family and my human observation specimens (aka. Friends).

Anyways, my parents have nothing to worry about because I’m socially awkward and anti-social in nature, I don’t have friends (who I don’t know where they live), and I'm scared of the world (like my parents, but probably for different reasons).

I’d imagine that every parent in the world believes that every serial killer, stalker, rapist and murderer within the perimeter of the entire continent is after their kid. Or is it only mine?





4) I’m too socially awkward

Have you ever watched a movie where everyone has to figure out which one is the killer before they all die? This is usually eventuated by the audience and the main characters thinking it’s this one social outcast who's killing everyone until their prime suspect dies (does this plot even hold any level of shock value anymore?) and they’re left shitting bricks and confused. Oh and it’s usually the one they “least expect” – these twist endings are always predictable.

Well if I were ever in a horror film, I could easily imagine which character I’d play in this plot. Take a lucky guess.

Also, I'm a nurse, so you can imagine how awesome I would be as a killer.





5) I’m highly logical when scared shitless

When there’s a killer strolling around and picking off people you know one-by-one, do not - under any circumstance - wander off by yourself. It’s pretty common sense but there seems to be an abnormal lack of that in most modern-day horror films. I’m not full of common sense all the time and I have pretty damn irrational urges on a daily basis (I want to grow feather roots. Not actual feathers, just the base of it but more on that another day), but this is pretty common-sense – even to me.



So in conclusion, even in the highly-unbelievable world on-screen, I still would not fit in and will most probably die. Quickly. And awkwardly. Like being killed on a toilet '_'


On another note, I’ve been getting a lot of people assuming that on my blog, I’m trying (so very hard) to be funny. I’m not. I acknowledge that the way I see and think about things is a bit strange and slightly humorous from different points of view (perhaps the understatement of the year?) but at no point in my blog do I ever attempt to be funny.

Although it’s very sweet of these specimens to assume that I have a sense of humour, I am really just this strange. :)